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Tuesday 24 December 2013 photo 1/1
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GOD JUUUL!
Så har suttit de senaste kvällarna och skrivit på något nytt... Här kan ni läsa det ifall ni skulle känna för det! (ursäkta de skumma tecknen som dyker upp här och var, de verkar inte vilja försvinna!)
Short breaths, quick steps on stone and a quiet shriek of fear, she is there in a corner as I’m closing in. I have got two choices, as always. Be selfish or selfless. A or B, right or wrong, good or bad. Too bad I’m hungry. Too bad I can’t keep up with my good side. Too bad I’m too bad to even consider saving her. And too bad I can not listen to the small part of my consciousness that tells me this is wrong and unnatural, which it probably is – but humanity is no longer human and neither am I.
But hunger burns from my stomach up through my throat and into my watering mouth. I can taste blood; I imagine her blood, her flesh. I imagine the feeling of being fed. If ate now; I could most likely gofor several hours before having to hunt again. Maybe I could finally rest.<o:p></o:p>
I could see the silhouette of her crumpled,small body. Her thin arms pressing her legs against her chest, as strings keeping her limbs together. She is too weak to survive either way, I would be making her a favour.<o:p></o:p>
A few steps further and I would be able to consume her, like she was or maybe I felt like cooking a fancy meal. I hadn’t had one in a while, never found the time.<o:p></o:p>
“No", her quiet whimpering began, just like all the others, “Please, don’t, I beg of you."<o:p></o:p>
She is one of the calmer ones, I noted.<o:p></o:p>
I joined her in the shadows. She must’ve known I was standing right above her, but she didn’t look up. She had her face hidden inside her arm. Like so many others, she didn’t want to look death in the eye.<o:p></o:p>
I sat beside her, slowly laying a hand on her knee, and her sobbing stopped, her whole body stiffened. “Then do it", she whispered, no trace of the tears in her voice, “If I can’t convince you humanity is lost, then what use am I?"<o:p></o:p>
“Oh you’ve already convinced me of that, but there’s just this one problem", I took a pause, mostly to increase the melodramaticfeel, “I don’t care."<o:p></o:p>
She looked up. Proving she did dare to look death in the eye, unlike so many others. Different. I was so caught of guard that she probably could’ve escaped right then, but she didn’t. Maybe the thought didn’t even hit her. <o:p></o:p>
I stared at her. Even though her malnourished body echoed of hunger, she was beautiful. In a sort of twisted beauty, her skin was like a white cover over her carved bones. Somewhere in the back of my head I wonder how humanity got to this point, where even the beautiful suffered from hunger.<o:p></o:p>
Locks of hair, which once probably had been blonde but lost its shimmer and now looked grey and damp, sprawled like dried worms down her head, surrounding her face. Her thick lips were chapped; cuts and bruises were all over her face. Long, blonde eyelashes encircled her paleblue, bloodshot eyes.<o:p></o:p>
A memory tickled somewhere in my mind. A woman, blonde and blue eyed. I couldn’t put my finger on who she was, just that she was dear to me. Not family or lover, but close. An unfamiliar word, a wordI couldn’t remember. I needed to find out. <o:p></o:p>
This was one of the few memories I had before everything had changed and there was no way I was letting this one go. <o:p></o:p>
I grabbed her by the arm and forcefully dragged her into standing position, something she apparently couldn’t physically handle. I sighed and lifted her up into my arms. She didn’t say anything, but I could feel her fast heartbeat against my chest, just like she could probably feel mine. <o:p></o:p>
Her weight felt like nothing in my arms as I ran down the boulevard. I could hear someone breathing, dying somewhere in the shadows. I knew it was a risk, but I ran under the still alight streetlamps,zigzagging between demolished cars laying spread around, some upside down, some on their sides. <o:p></o:p>
After about a mile, I turned into the alleyway between two brick buildings. Here the light stopped guiding and I needed torely on my senses.<o:p></o:p>
In this world it was either be killed or kill. If you kill, you survive, if you refuse, you die. She was a fine example of that, it was quite a miracle she has survived this far. She obviously hadn’t eaten real food; maybe she had eaten the last eatable plant sand rats, rabbits. <o:p></o:p>
Her type had been the biggest victims of thisall, though you could say they had chosen it themselves. <o:p></o:p>
In the beginning of all of this, when politicians discussed what might be the best solution and people had begun to starve, there had been a group of people that refused to kill for their own survival. They wanted us all to cooperate in unison to solve our problems, or something hippie-like bullcrap like that. <o:p></o:p>
When it all started, for real, they were the first to die. They grew weak very quickly and died either by starvation or dehydration or was killed and made another man fed. The weak die to make the strong stronger, that is how the world works.<o:p></o:p>
In the end of the dark alleyway, were two green containers, overflowing by rotten groceries and trash. Plastic bags,filled to the brink of exploding, lay spread all over the last quarter of the ally. Of course, there was no one to pick it up, like it had been a long time ago. <o:p></o:p>
I put her down, letting her keep her body steady by holding onto one of the containers’ edge. I put my hands onto the edge myself and pushed my body up so I could place my foot on the roof of the container.<o:p></o:p>
Even though most of the paint hadn’t chipped,you could see how the metal beneath was beginning to poke through and, in some places, rust.<o:p></o:p>
I reached my hand toward her and she glanced at me. “Where are you taking me?" she whispered so I barely could hear her.<o:p></o:p>
“Safety."<o:p></o:p>
“For you or for me?" <o:p></o:p>
I was quiet for a moment, thinking. Honest or dishonest. I settled for somewhere in between; “Both".<o:p></o:p>
She seemed to accept this vague answer and nodded. She took my hand and I helped her up onto the container. Up above was a window which glass had been broken; I carefully placed my foot in an emptyspace where someone had removed a brick from the wall, and pushed myself up by grabbing the windowsill. I dragged myself inside and landed on my back, hearing how shards of the window’s glass cracked underneath me. I jumped to my feet and looked out the window to grab her hand and help her inside, but I couldn’t see her. For I moment, I thought she had escaped – but she couldn’t have gotten very far, since she was so weak, but then, her head appeared in the window. She was shaking, every piece of her working itself out. She would fall, but when I tried to help her up, she ignored me. <o:p></o:p>
She put a hand on the windowsill but shrieked in pain. As if electrocuted, she quickly removed her hand from the windowsilland studied it in agony. A deep cut appeared in the centre of her palm and blood sprayed everywhere. She must’ve placed it upon one of the shards still stuck in the frame. She was just about to fall when I grabbed the arm belongingto her hurt hand and fished her up into the room.<o:p></o:p>
It was a bedroom of a small apartment. It had probably been a cosy place when it was actually used, now blood was smeared over floors and walls, broken frames of photographs lays on the floor, the bed is ripped apart and patches of padding were spread across the room.<o:p></o:p>
I lifted her from her feet and carried her in my arms again. I walked across the room, making sure not to hit her head on the doorframe as I went past into what seemed to be a living room. <o:p></o:p>
The door leading to the stairwell was wide open, just as I had left it last time. A thought stuck me as I was going past a kitchen and I sat her down at one of the bar chairs by the counter. I opened the fridge to find it smelling of rotten groceries, about the same smell thecontainers had. I grimaced and closed it to open the freezer. Voila! Someone had been smart enough to store some nutrion bars. I went around the room opened cabinets. Finally I found a roll of big, black, plastic bags. I rolled one outand separated it from the roll, which I put inside the pocked of my hoodie. I opened the bag and began stuffing it with nutrion bars, cake, ice cream and everything I could find.<o:p></o:p>
I hadn’t expected to find a fridge or freezer still working, but I guess that it wasn’t that odd since this part of town was the last to fall into anarchy. <o:p></o:p>
With the bag in one hand and her in my arms, I went out into the stairwell and ran to the top floor. There was only one apartment which was the biggest in the complex and also, it had many back-up power generators. It was the least demolished flat I could find and it had become my home for the time being.<o:p></o:p>
I lay her on the couch and lock the door behind me. I walk my traditional rounds to check that nothing has changed andthat all the windows are covered, before I turn on the light.<o:p></o:p>
I fished up a few nutrion bars and throw them to her. For a while, she just stares at them, maybe thinking I was about to poison her. Then she tries to take a bite, which seemed impossible since they were still frozen. After a short sight, she put them in a horizontal row on the coffee table with about five inches between each one.<o:p></o:p>
The coffee pot was half full of coffee from one and a half hour ago, and so I poured it into a glass and joined her in the sofa. She seemed to push her body as far away from me as possible. So very human of her.<o:p></o:p>
“What’s your name?" I asked, mostly to create a social conversation. I soon realised my social skills had numbed; they weren’t a big requirement in today’s society. I felt robotic. I felt like I was trying to make a conversation with a piece of meal, might as well have been a celery. <o:p></o:p>
The woman looked at me as if I was a mad man. She took a long while before speaking; making sure it wasn’t some sort of trick. Maybe she thought I liked playing with my food, which I didn’t. I preferto, shockingly, actually eat it. “Clara."<o:p></o:p>
I met her pale eyes with my dark ones. “Is that a fake name you have brought on yourself to hide your true identity from me?" I ask.<o:p></o:p>
Clara shakes her head. “No."<o:p></o:p>
I know she is trying to act out of bravery,but I can see how terrified she is. Confusion, agony and fear, all in unison. <o:p></o:p>
“Why are you still alive, Clara?" I wonder aloud. “I mean, you should have died out of dehydration a long time ago, you’re too weak to run away when someone’s hunting you. How can you have survived this long?"<o:p></o:p>
Clara stares at me. I can see how sweat begins to break through her pores, escaping through her wall of bravery, just like her fear. She is afraid of what I might do if she doesn’t know the answer. “I don’t… I don’t know", Clara whisperers and I can see how a shiver is sent throughout her body. I did enjoy the thought of scaring someone, so I could feel the corners of my lips turn upward into a twisted smile.<o:p></o:p>
“Why haven’t you killed me?" she asks. She knows that question could bring her into more agony, but she doesn’t care. “Preparing me for slaughter, like a pig?"<o:p></o:p>
I ignore her second question, mostly because I didn’t know that answer myself yet. “You remind me of someone close to me, and I want to find out who."<o:p></o:p>
“I didn’t know monsters like you could be close to anyone without killing them." The words sprint out of her mouth before she can stop them, and when she realises what she has done, she tries to cover her lips in her hands.<o:p></o:p>
I growl at her, cupping my hands around her throat; “Be careful, little girls like you are easy to kill."<o:p></o:p>
She chokes but she isn’t afraid anymore. She believes this is her end. She is wrong. And I let her go. I can barely hear her swear “Damn".<o:p></o:p>
I try to let go of my anger, I can not let her use me like that again. I nod toward the nutrion bars, “Eat or I’ll force it down your throat."<o:p></o:p>
I hear her breathe; “Charming.", but she did grab one of the bars, but dropped it on the table again. She bit her lip,trying to keep back a scream.<o:p></o:p>
“Oh, right", I said, finally remembering her cut. There was a thin, white, blanket beside me in the sofa. I ripped a piece of it off and used the bigger piece to soak up the blood. When I could finally see the actual wound, I used the ripped piece of cloth as a bandage.<o:p></o:p>
I could hear how she muttered a low “Thanks",but she didn’t sound very thankful. <o:p></o:p>
As she eat, I could feel the hunger creeping up on me again. I hadn’t eaten in several hours. Maybe I could just chop of an arm or two… No, I wouldn’t give Clara that satisfaction. I took one of the bars and ate. <o:p></o:p>
When Clara had eaten five bars and drunk abouta gallon of water, she finally fell asleep. Her head rested on the couch armrest, her hair overflowing the edge and falling, much like a silver-grey waterfall, down the couch’s side. Her innocence was obvious, even to me. While she slept, she reminded me of a little child. She is so small, so weak and so very innocent. So beautiful.<o:p></o:p>
I sat the coffee back at the table and just studied her for a while, until I finally decided to carry her into the bedroom.There, I lay her onto the bed and leave her alone as I go back to the sofa and sleep. <o:p></o:p>
Short breaths, quick steps on stone and a quiet shriek of fear, she is there in a corner as I’m closing in. I have got two choices, as always. Be selfish or selfless. A or B, right or wrong, good or bad. Too bad I’m hungry. Too bad I can’t keep up with my good side. Too bad I’m too bad to even consider saving her. And too bad I can not listen to the small part of my consciousness that tells me this is wrong and unnatural, which it probably is – but humanity is no longer human and neither am I.
But hunger burns from my stomach up through my throat and into my watering mouth. I can taste blood; I imagine her blood, her flesh. I imagine the feeling of being fed. If ate now; I could most likely gofor several hours before having to hunt again. Maybe I could finally rest.<o:p></o:p>
I could see the silhouette of her crumpled,small body. Her thin arms pressing her legs against her chest, as strings keeping her limbs together. She is too weak to survive either way, I would be making her a favour.<o:p></o:p>
A few steps further and I would be able to consume her, like she was or maybe I felt like cooking a fancy meal. I hadn’t had one in a while, never found the time.<o:p></o:p>
“No", her quiet whimpering began, just like all the others, “Please, don’t, I beg of you."<o:p></o:p>
She is one of the calmer ones, I noted.<o:p></o:p>
I joined her in the shadows. She must’ve known I was standing right above her, but she didn’t look up. She had her face hidden inside her arm. Like so many others, she didn’t want to look death in the eye.<o:p></o:p>
I sat beside her, slowly laying a hand on her knee, and her sobbing stopped, her whole body stiffened. “Then do it", she whispered, no trace of the tears in her voice, “If I can’t convince you humanity is lost, then what use am I?"<o:p></o:p>
“Oh you’ve already convinced me of that, but there’s just this one problem", I took a pause, mostly to increase the melodramaticfeel, “I don’t care."<o:p></o:p>
She looked up. Proving she did dare to look death in the eye, unlike so many others. Different. I was so caught of guard that she probably could’ve escaped right then, but she didn’t. Maybe the thought didn’t even hit her. <o:p></o:p>
I stared at her. Even though her malnourished body echoed of hunger, she was beautiful. In a sort of twisted beauty, her skin was like a white cover over her carved bones. Somewhere in the back of my head I wonder how humanity got to this point, where even the beautiful suffered from hunger.<o:p></o:p>
Locks of hair, which once probably had been blonde but lost its shimmer and now looked grey and damp, sprawled like dried worms down her head, surrounding her face. Her thick lips were chapped; cuts and bruises were all over her face. Long, blonde eyelashes encircled her paleblue, bloodshot eyes.<o:p></o:p>
A memory tickled somewhere in my mind. A woman, blonde and blue eyed. I couldn’t put my finger on who she was, just that she was dear to me. Not family or lover, but close. An unfamiliar word, a wordI couldn’t remember. I needed to find out. <o:p></o:p>
This was one of the few memories I had before everything had changed and there was no way I was letting this one go. <o:p></o:p>
I grabbed her by the arm and forcefully dragged her into standing position, something she apparently couldn’t physically handle. I sighed and lifted her up into my arms. She didn’t say anything, but I could feel her fast heartbeat against my chest, just like she could probably feel mine. <o:p></o:p>
Her weight felt like nothing in my arms as I ran down the boulevard. I could hear someone breathing, dying somewhere in the shadows. I knew it was a risk, but I ran under the still alight streetlamps,zigzagging between demolished cars laying spread around, some upside down, some on their sides. <o:p></o:p>
After about a mile, I turned into the alleyway between two brick buildings. Here the light stopped guiding and I needed torely on my senses.<o:p></o:p>
In this world it was either be killed or kill. If you kill, you survive, if you refuse, you die. She was a fine example of that, it was quite a miracle she has survived this far. She obviously hadn’t eaten real food; maybe she had eaten the last eatable plant sand rats, rabbits. <o:p></o:p>
Her type had been the biggest victims of thisall, though you could say they had chosen it themselves. <o:p></o:p>
In the beginning of all of this, when politicians discussed what might be the best solution and people had begun to starve, there had been a group of people that refused to kill for their own survival. They wanted us all to cooperate in unison to solve our problems, or something hippie-like bullcrap like that. <o:p></o:p>
When it all started, for real, they were the first to die. They grew weak very quickly and died either by starvation or dehydration or was killed and made another man fed. The weak die to make the strong stronger, that is how the world works.<o:p></o:p>
In the end of the dark alleyway, were two green containers, overflowing by rotten groceries and trash. Plastic bags,filled to the brink of exploding, lay spread all over the last quarter of the ally. Of course, there was no one to pick it up, like it had been a long time ago. <o:p></o:p>
I put her down, letting her keep her body steady by holding onto one of the containers’ edge. I put my hands onto the edge myself and pushed my body up so I could place my foot on the roof of the container.<o:p></o:p>
Even though most of the paint hadn’t chipped,you could see how the metal beneath was beginning to poke through and, in some places, rust.<o:p></o:p>
I reached my hand toward her and she glanced at me. “Where are you taking me?" she whispered so I barely could hear her.<o:p></o:p>
“Safety."<o:p></o:p>
“For you or for me?" <o:p></o:p>
I was quiet for a moment, thinking. Honest or dishonest. I settled for somewhere in between; “Both".<o:p></o:p>
She seemed to accept this vague answer and nodded. She took my hand and I helped her up onto the container. Up above was a window which glass had been broken; I carefully placed my foot in an emptyspace where someone had removed a brick from the wall, and pushed myself up by grabbing the windowsill. I dragged myself inside and landed on my back, hearing how shards of the window’s glass cracked underneath me. I jumped to my feet and looked out the window to grab her hand and help her inside, but I couldn’t see her. For I moment, I thought she had escaped – but she couldn’t have gotten very far, since she was so weak, but then, her head appeared in the window. She was shaking, every piece of her working itself out. She would fall, but when I tried to help her up, she ignored me. <o:p></o:p>
She put a hand on the windowsill but shrieked in pain. As if electrocuted, she quickly removed her hand from the windowsilland studied it in agony. A deep cut appeared in the centre of her palm and blood sprayed everywhere. She must’ve placed it upon one of the shards still stuck in the frame. She was just about to fall when I grabbed the arm belongingto her hurt hand and fished her up into the room.<o:p></o:p>
It was a bedroom of a small apartment. It had probably been a cosy place when it was actually used, now blood was smeared over floors and walls, broken frames of photographs lays on the floor, the bed is ripped apart and patches of padding were spread across the room.<o:p></o:p>
I lifted her from her feet and carried her in my arms again. I walked across the room, making sure not to hit her head on the doorframe as I went past into what seemed to be a living room. <o:p></o:p>
The door leading to the stairwell was wide open, just as I had left it last time. A thought stuck me as I was going past a kitchen and I sat her down at one of the bar chairs by the counter. I opened the fridge to find it smelling of rotten groceries, about the same smell thecontainers had. I grimaced and closed it to open the freezer. Voila! Someone had been smart enough to store some nutrion bars. I went around the room opened cabinets. Finally I found a roll of big, black, plastic bags. I rolled one outand separated it from the roll, which I put inside the pocked of my hoodie. I opened the bag and began stuffing it with nutrion bars, cake, ice cream and everything I could find.<o:p></o:p>
I hadn’t expected to find a fridge or freezer still working, but I guess that it wasn’t that odd since this part of town was the last to fall into anarchy. <o:p></o:p>
With the bag in one hand and her in my arms, I went out into the stairwell and ran to the top floor. There was only one apartment which was the biggest in the complex and also, it had many back-up power generators. It was the least demolished flat I could find and it had become my home for the time being.<o:p></o:p>
I lay her on the couch and lock the door behind me. I walk my traditional rounds to check that nothing has changed andthat all the windows are covered, before I turn on the light.<o:p></o:p>
I fished up a few nutrion bars and throw them to her. For a while, she just stares at them, maybe thinking I was about to poison her. Then she tries to take a bite, which seemed impossible since they were still frozen. After a short sight, she put them in a horizontal row on the coffee table with about five inches between each one.<o:p></o:p>
The coffee pot was half full of coffee from one and a half hour ago, and so I poured it into a glass and joined her in the sofa. She seemed to push her body as far away from me as possible. So very human of her.<o:p></o:p>
“What’s your name?" I asked, mostly to create a social conversation. I soon realised my social skills had numbed; they weren’t a big requirement in today’s society. I felt robotic. I felt like I was trying to make a conversation with a piece of meal, might as well have been a celery. <o:p></o:p>
The woman looked at me as if I was a mad man. She took a long while before speaking; making sure it wasn’t some sort of trick. Maybe she thought I liked playing with my food, which I didn’t. I preferto, shockingly, actually eat it. “Clara."<o:p></o:p>
I met her pale eyes with my dark ones. “Is that a fake name you have brought on yourself to hide your true identity from me?" I ask.<o:p></o:p>
Clara shakes her head. “No."<o:p></o:p>
I know she is trying to act out of bravery,but I can see how terrified she is. Confusion, agony and fear, all in unison. <o:p></o:p>
“Why are you still alive, Clara?" I wonder aloud. “I mean, you should have died out of dehydration a long time ago, you’re too weak to run away when someone’s hunting you. How can you have survived this long?"<o:p></o:p>
Clara stares at me. I can see how sweat begins to break through her pores, escaping through her wall of bravery, just like her fear. She is afraid of what I might do if she doesn’t know the answer. “I don’t… I don’t know", Clara whisperers and I can see how a shiver is sent throughout her body. I did enjoy the thought of scaring someone, so I could feel the corners of my lips turn upward into a twisted smile.<o:p></o:p>
“Why haven’t you killed me?" she asks. She knows that question could bring her into more agony, but she doesn’t care. “Preparing me for slaughter, like a pig?"<o:p></o:p>
I ignore her second question, mostly because I didn’t know that answer myself yet. “You remind me of someone close to me, and I want to find out who."<o:p></o:p>
“I didn’t know monsters like you could be close to anyone without killing them." The words sprint out of her mouth before she can stop them, and when she realises what she has done, she tries to cover her lips in her hands.<o:p></o:p>
I growl at her, cupping my hands around her throat; “Be careful, little girls like you are easy to kill."<o:p></o:p>
She chokes but she isn’t afraid anymore. She believes this is her end. She is wrong. And I let her go. I can barely hear her swear “Damn".<o:p></o:p>
I try to let go of my anger, I can not let her use me like that again. I nod toward the nutrion bars, “Eat or I’ll force it down your throat."<o:p></o:p>
I hear her breathe; “Charming.", but she did grab one of the bars, but dropped it on the table again. She bit her lip,trying to keep back a scream.<o:p></o:p>
“Oh, right", I said, finally remembering her cut. There was a thin, white, blanket beside me in the sofa. I ripped a piece of it off and used the bigger piece to soak up the blood. When I could finally see the actual wound, I used the ripped piece of cloth as a bandage.<o:p></o:p>
I could hear how she muttered a low “Thanks",but she didn’t sound very thankful. <o:p></o:p>
As she eat, I could feel the hunger creeping up on me again. I hadn’t eaten in several hours. Maybe I could just chop of an arm or two… No, I wouldn’t give Clara that satisfaction. I took one of the bars and ate. <o:p></o:p>
When Clara had eaten five bars and drunk abouta gallon of water, she finally fell asleep. Her head rested on the couch armrest, her hair overflowing the edge and falling, much like a silver-grey waterfall, down the couch’s side. Her innocence was obvious, even to me. While she slept, she reminded me of a little child. She is so small, so weak and so very innocent. So beautiful.<o:p></o:p>
I sat the coffee back at the table and just studied her for a while, until I finally decided to carry her into the bedroom.There, I lay her onto the bed and leave her alone as I go back to the sofa and sleep. <o:p></o:p>
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