Det finns ingen annan bild som kan förklara det ni nu kommer att få läsa. jag skulle ha kunnat skriva ut denna text, sätta i en helig pärm, och låsa in för alltid, men jag tänker ge er nöjet att läsa dessa ord från himlen där ovan. @Gearann har genom sin briljanta hjärna skapat något så fantastiskt att det nästan är patetiskt. Han har skrivit en saga.

En saga om OSS: @Alcorexic, @Beautifulbakura, @Gearann, @Zarkadi @Spiff144, @Bicekherv, @Almightymalachi,

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THE ADVENTURES OF NETT: THE ROAD TO GONAD LAKE.

Once upon a golden, long-forgotten time in the city of Upperhall, there lived a girl named Nett. Now, it goes without saying that Nett was no ordinary girl. With her abnormally large, red hair and her odd attraction to body hair, mirror-net pornography and Steve Jobs, she had a hard time finding any real friends. In fact, every day all she would do was to sit by her magical mirror-net in her bedroom and talk to other friends that happened to carry magical instruments as well. They would spend entire nights talking about The Great Cat of Nyan, the mysterious Trollusionist and laughing at the royal fool, Sir Spiff of One Hundred and Forty Four Fails.
Cigarettes were bought, storms came and went, seasons ceased and sprung out afresh as the years passed by, but for Nett something had changed. A lust had taken residence in her soul and made her evermore restless. Soon, not even the most delicious Chirre-snacks in the entire kingdom would sate her hunger, not even the most freshly brewed ale would sate her thirst and not even the most unreasonable comment from Sir Spiff would appeal to her somewhat twisted humor. The lust in her soul craved something different. Indeed, for it was not any normal desire that had struck her, for all common pleasures was hers to obliterate at the click of a bookmarked porn site. No, what had now stricken her, she realized, was wanderlust. She wanted to look for real friends, out in the big, real world.
In the middle of the night, when not even the tiniest church mouse was awake, she took off. Carrying only a new package of cigarettes, two heineken and a magical ring given to her by the Almighty Arch-Wizard of the Malachian Council, she took off on her journey. She had once heard of creatures as twisted as her, living beyond the mountains in the east, through the great forest and beyond, to the great Gonad Lake. Buttoning her great nicotine cape she looked back at her room for what was to be for the last time in her life. One last, muffled and hasty "Fan då" escaped her dry lips before she turned around. She vaguely recollected the final words that the Malachian wizard had said to her during her brief visit;
"Should the moment ever come when you are in need of a hate deeper than your own, just utter the sacred words: "Du aer en vaerdelos individ" and I will surely come to thine aid. But.. eh, not between ten to eleven, those are porn browsing hours."
With those final thoughts lingering in her head, she left to experience the world that she had shunned up until now.
The road out of Upperhall was a small and narrow one; crammed with merchants and yellow post cars during the day. During the night, however, it proved to be quite desolate. Humming happily out of tune, she lit a cigarette and paced forward toward the great mountains in the east. She traveled all night, past great pastures and moon-lit forests, under bridges forgotten by vägverket and past suspicious houses that had yet to get raided by the guards. It was there, while traveling past one of these residences of decadence, that she heard a small squeal. She stopped and listened, her ears focusing to discern the sound amidst the wind and the bubbling sound coming from the house. There, again. It seemed to come from the cellar. Without thinking she went to the back of the house and carefully opened the door to the cellar. To her curiosity all she found was a tiny woman, no taller than a coffee cup. The tiny lady was squealing because she had masturbated too much and was now unable to move because of the vaginal damage. She begged for Nett to help her, as she was much too energetic to be able to mentally cope with this physical condition. Nett, being clever and quick-witted as always, opened her satchel and offered the tiny lady a sip from her Heineken. Since Heineken was renowned all over the city of Upperhall for its healing properties, the minuscule lady was soon better and able to walk around. She thanked the kind Nett and introduced herself as Mini-Kura. Mini-Kura was bored since there was never any interesting fetishes around and became full of joy when Nett told her of the strange creatures living next to Gonad Lake, so she offered to follow Nett on her travels, on the condition that she could sometimes spam her with random links to gif-files of varying smut levels. Nett agreed to this and carefully put Mini-Kura in the hood of her nicotine cape so that she might comfortably spout random sentences as they had agreed, and the two once again aimed for the eastward mountain range. Nett felt a flash of joy in her heart, for already had she befriended another being that was just as fucked up as she was.
It was on the eleventh day of traveling that they reached the foothills of the mountains. Without much further ado the two started ascending one of those lumbering giants, determined to reach the summit by nightfall. The climb was a long and breathtaking one, but with some cigarette stops along the way and another sip of Heineken the two at last made it all the way to the top, wheezing, swearing and coughing because of their poor stamina. What they encountered there nearly made them jump out of their shoes with surprise. It was not the view, breathtaking as it was with its 360 degrees of moon-bathed landscapes, fields of luscious forests, double rainbows and milky, fat clouds. It was not the dragons flying in the horizon, not the bears catching fish with their mouths in the rivers below and it was most definitely not the sign of Zarkadi gleaming at them from the vault of skydom. No, for what they beheld on that windy and ragged mountain summit was a faun. Small horns clearly protruded from his head as it shook from the cold, standing awkwardly by itself on that desolate place. The faun looked at them with sickly eyes as they made their way to him, and he bitterly asked for a cigarette. Nett, who didn't want to upset this creature, naturally gave him the finger as she only had two cigarettes left and really didn't want to share them.
The faun then burst into tears, explaining that he hadn't had a cigarette for a full hour ever since he had been banished to that very mountaintop for complaining too much about everything. He introduced himself as Grove and promised to do anything for just one cigarette. Nett thought for a long time, and then replied that she would agree to give him a cigarette if he would give her the thing she wished for the most in return. Grove replied that that was not even reasonable as he was not telepathic but instead offered her a bottle of Koskenkorva and access to all of his 4chan folders if she would just give him that blasted cigarette already. Nett agreed immediately, as this had been what she had wished for in secret. Grove happily smoked away at the cigarette and told her that he too would join her in her quest until he had repayed the debt of that one Koskenkorva and those 4chan folders.
They traveled downwards on the other side of the mountains. Mini-Kura blurted out obscenities and told everyone of her favorite gore scenes all the way down, much to the joy of Nett who was also kinda into that thing. Grove kept on smoking his cigarette and mumbled lame quotes from Lovecraft to himself. It was with good spirits that they finally entered upon their final challenge before Gonad Lake was within their reach; the great forest. It was a place said to be haunted with bad spirits and all kinds of strange creatures, so it was with careful steps that our trio stepped under that green roof in the twilight hours that separates day from night. Well, except for Mini-Kura who eagerly shouted for the tentacles to come out and do her already. No such tentacles appeared, much to the disappointment of Mini-Kura (and to the relief of Grove who was, in fact, a bit uncertain as to what he would do in such a situation... and in what bush he would do it). The group walked for hours with nothing but vegetation to meet their eyes. Mini-Kura openly voiced her doubts and disappointment about the lack of sexy monsters in the forest while Grove openly voiced his disappointment about the lack of smokable vegetation in the forest. And so it went on for days as they traveled under those seemingly endless, green halls. Then, one unusually cold morning, the could see it; the blue waters of Gonad Lake barely visible beyond the spaces between the trees. Nett happily cried out "Jävlar va nice!" and started running.
If it had not been for the surprised cry of Mini-Kura, she would have not lived today. She turned around just in time to see a large shadow behind her and instinctively jumped to the side, dodging a blow that made the tree behind her fall to the ground with a crashing sound. She looked at the figure in front of her and with a chill going up her spine she understood who it was. It was the fool, Sir Spiff of one Hundred and Forty Four Fails. He had followed her all the way here to claim her as his own. Her absence from the mirror-net had driven him mad and he was now unable to control his stalker-hunger, drool running from his face and his twitchy hands outstretched toward Nett. Nett screamed and ran for her life while Grove courageously assumed the fetal position behind a log. Tree after tree flashed by as she ran deeper into the forest with Spiff crashing after her, cursing the day she left the comfort of her home to find Gonad Lake. She had long despised the royal fool openly on the mirror-net, but this.. this she had never expected. It baffled her that he was real and that he had found her. Mini-Kura tossed handfuls of her own saliva at Spiff, but to no avail.
"I hate this guy!" Mini-Kura shouted as she sent another handful of drool crashing down on Spiff's sweaty body, and that very comment sparked something inside of Nett. Suddenly she remembered. She turned around and grasped the Malachian Wizard's ring in the palm of her hand, clutching it tightly. When Spiff was within a good enough distance she threw the ring, screaming at the top of her lungs "DU AER EN VAERDELOS INDIVID!".
What happened next was beyond words. A raging torrent of screaming voices emanated from the ring which was now stuck in mid-air between her and Spiff. All of the hate that the Malachian Wizard had stored inside of himself for eons before even the Earth was young was now channeled into a cataclysmic, raging inferno of screaming insults and realism of almost disgustingly large proportions, with Spiff in the epicenter of the entire chaos. Shaken by the torrent of intellectual energy, he grabbed a tree to not be blown away completely by the horrible realizations the voices from the ring gave him. But it was not yet over. The voices had just started, and went higher and higher and higher and higher in their hate and rage, breaking every psychological defense, questioning every choice, ridiculing every interest until finally, in a flash of broken confidence, Spiff turned to ash. All that was left was the Malachian ring, now glowing faintly on the leaf covered ground.
The three left the forest happily, free from the terror of Spiff and ready to meet their kinsmen at Gonad Lake. They met the King of Gonad lake, Bice, and his army of differently designed Nyan Cats. They were offered residence in his castle, "for the lulz" as Bice himself explained it and a great party was held in celebration of the king's new friends. Finally, everyone was happy. Mini-Kura found terrabytes upon terrabytes of new, fascinating pornography, the Almighty Arch-Wizard of Malachia finally got to disintegrate something purely by insulting, Grove died happily of lung cancer two years later and Nett had finally met the friends she never knew that she had. All was finally well in the Kingdom, and peace once again roamed the lands.
THE END

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Felz Tue 20 Dec 2011 06:07

"She thanked the kind Nett and introduced herself as Mini-Kura. Mini-Kura was bored since there WAS never any interesting fetishes around" borde vara "She thanked the kind Nett and introduced herself as Mini-Kura. Mini-Kura was bored since there WERE never any interesting fetishes around". Eller jag kanske har fel. Men det känns som were när det är plural. Läste så långt men sen blev jag irriterad för det stavfelet. ): *Fucked up*

March 2016

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