August
Saturday 25 December 2010 photo 1/1
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2010-12-25
At home
Some days feel like they are completely worthless, like this one. Today I didn't go up from bed until 3PM, I had such a great dream.. In the dream I was fighting and could transform to all these things.. It was wonderful.
To be honest this whole christmas have been wicked, sure, there was the gifts but they are not even close good enough to recompense for the bad things that just as usual are circulating in the air here at home. I can't barely write this.. the letters are just mixes up and I can't think clearly.. Everything feels so blurry..
It feels like a perfect time to quote Nikki's song here..
"Merry Christmas.
That's what people say at Christmas, right?
Except normally they have someone to say it to.
They have friends and family,
And they haven't been crouched naked under a Christmas tree
with a needle in their arm like an insane person in a mansion in Van Nuys.
They're not out of their minds, they're not writing in a diary,
And they're definitely not watching their holiday spirit coagulate in a spoon.
I didn't speak to a single person today.
I thought why should I ruin their fucking Christmas."
Tommorow my stepfather and my brother will be leaving for Stockholm, they're going to live at their relatives for.. A while, forever, I don't fucking know. I don't know anything anymore, just that life is rough and noone loves nobody. They're going to leave me here alone with my mother, she is constantly screaming and I always feel so down... I don't know what will happen when they leave, maybe it is good because I have never really fit with him, he's an asshole. I will miss my brother but he sticks with his father and if his father is mad at me, he is also.
If there was any drugs available I would take them all, probably accidentially overdose. But now there isn't and I'm here alone, I have lots of razors, knives, pills. I am scared of what I might do... But probably I will just fall aslepp like yesterday.
My days consists of waking up, forgetting to eat, hearing my mother scream at someone in the house, then I sit down by the computer for hours, usually until around 10 when I get so sick of it that I lay down in my bed and slowly inhales and holds my breath until I must have air and then I chip for my breath, sick, isn't it? After that I usually realise that I haven't ate and my stumuck is revolting and I go and eat so much that I feel soooo damn sick that you can't even imagine... Then I put on Family Guy on the computer and lays down in the bed again and falls asleep after a while.
Now I'll go and sleep I think, or sit down at the computer and play... If I do something terrible might happen because I don't fall asleep, but what does it really matter?
At home
Some days feel like they are completely worthless, like this one. Today I didn't go up from bed until 3PM, I had such a great dream.. In the dream I was fighting and could transform to all these things.. It was wonderful.
To be honest this whole christmas have been wicked, sure, there was the gifts but they are not even close good enough to recompense for the bad things that just as usual are circulating in the air here at home. I can't barely write this.. the letters are just mixes up and I can't think clearly.. Everything feels so blurry..
It feels like a perfect time to quote Nikki's song here..
"Merry Christmas.
That's what people say at Christmas, right?
Except normally they have someone to say it to.
They have friends and family,
And they haven't been crouched naked under a Christmas tree
with a needle in their arm like an insane person in a mansion in Van Nuys.
They're not out of their minds, they're not writing in a diary,
And they're definitely not watching their holiday spirit coagulate in a spoon.
I didn't speak to a single person today.
I thought why should I ruin their fucking Christmas."
Tommorow my stepfather and my brother will be leaving for Stockholm, they're going to live at their relatives for.. A while, forever, I don't fucking know. I don't know anything anymore, just that life is rough and noone loves nobody. They're going to leave me here alone with my mother, she is constantly screaming and I always feel so down... I don't know what will happen when they leave, maybe it is good because I have never really fit with him, he's an asshole. I will miss my brother but he sticks with his father and if his father is mad at me, he is also.
If there was any drugs available I would take them all, probably accidentially overdose. But now there isn't and I'm here alone, I have lots of razors, knives, pills. I am scared of what I might do... But probably I will just fall aslepp like yesterday.
My days consists of waking up, forgetting to eat, hearing my mother scream at someone in the house, then I sit down by the computer for hours, usually until around 10 when I get so sick of it that I lay down in my bed and slowly inhales and holds my breath until I must have air and then I chip for my breath, sick, isn't it? After that I usually realise that I haven't ate and my stumuck is revolting and I go and eat so much that I feel soooo damn sick that you can't even imagine... Then I put on Family Guy on the computer and lays down in the bed again and falls asleep after a while.
Now I'll go and sleep I think, or sit down at the computer and play... If I do something terrible might happen because I don't fall asleep, but what does it really matter?
Annons
Comment the photo
PrettyHoe
Sun 26 Dec 2010 00:03
Jag läste allt.
Du är underbar. Du betyder mer än du anar.. Jag finns här, alltid. Jag är bara ett samtal bort. Även om jag är en obetydlig prick för dig, så är du betydligt mycket mer för mig.
Du är underbar. Du betyder mer än du anar.. Jag finns här, alltid. Jag är bara ett samtal bort. Även om jag är en obetydlig prick för dig, så är du betydligt mycket mer för mig.
PrettyHoe
Sun 26 Dec 2010 00:47
Isåfall får du bli social på msn.
Det finns ju inget sätt att få tag på dig.. :(
Det finns ju inget sätt att få tag på dig.. :(
Eichan
Sat 25 Dec 2010 23:04
Läste allt.
Tårar rinner för dig älsklig.
Jag ska kidnappa dig en dag, och visa dig allt vacker här i världen.
Min fina änglapojke.
Du är välkommen hit när du vill, bara så du vet.
Du får bo hos mig, om du vill komma bort en stund.
Jag älskar dig så mycket. Jag önskar att jag var där hos dig.
Jämt.
Jag önskar att jag kunde hålla borta allt som får dig ledsen.
Du betyder. Så sjukt mycket.
Felix jag älskar dig, du får aldrig glömma det.
<3
Tårar rinner för dig älsklig.
Jag ska kidnappa dig en dag, och visa dig allt vacker här i världen.
Min fina änglapojke.
Du är välkommen hit när du vill, bara så du vet.
Du får bo hos mig, om du vill komma bort en stund.
Jag älskar dig så mycket. Jag önskar att jag var där hos dig.
Jämt.
Jag önskar att jag kunde hålla borta allt som får dig ledsen.
Du betyder. Så sjukt mycket.
Felix jag älskar dig, du får aldrig glömma det.
<3
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