I have been thinking a lot this weekend; especially today. I do not know why I talk so much, or why I only talk about things nobody wants to hear. I have analyzed it over and over again, but it only leads to more excessive talking. I pretty much confirmed with myself that it would be aweful if I were to start feeling lonely now; there is absolutely nothing I could do about it. I reject those who wants to be my friends and very often hve the excuse that they are not good enough. Nobody is good enough.

Nobody will be my Jixi, and nobody could ever grasp me to that extent. I am constantly aware of how horribly much I miss her, even though the actual feeling itself is long gone, along with all the others. But I can not help but to notice how her absence is affecting me. I have learned to live with it, but it still troubles me that nobody can do what I can. I can not forget her because I promised to love and cherrish her forever. Forever(!) And to differ myself from everyone else, I will love her with my mind until I think my very last thought. And it will be a repeating habit. I though a lot about her and every single promise I made to her. I made promises and agreements to her even after I stopped making them with/to others. I had faith in her, in myself and in us as a unit. I am soon 19. It was this year we waited for. It has been this year I prepared for, and now I find myself here as the only one keeping my end of the bargin.

No hard feelings at all towards Jixi; it is not her fault. I know it is mostly my fault because I somehow let her down. I was not there for her and I missed out on her growing up. All I have been able to do is read how she deteriorates in her diary here and at Helgon.net. She hardly ever writes to me anymore, and I am suspecting that this is not the comfortable silence we used to have when there was no need to say anything because we knew exactly what the other one was thinking. Sometimes we knew before the other one did itself. I often find myself speaking unisonly with other people that I have spend quite some time with (like Yonas) but the omniousness is not there; there are walls inbetween us and no cryptic only-we-know-what-we-mean. The few such things we make up, only I seem to remember.

Sometimes it is as if they have never met me before... (memorywise)

I also had a small once-again self realization earlier as I went about practasing conversations in my head; I must really not talk about myself ever again in a conversational matter..! Not only is it completely uninteresting, but it sounds so bad and traumatic.

I do not like to admit it, but I have lived a very pathetic... Well, I could say "life", but I have not even been so fortunate...

So where should I go from here? Making sense to die is not a good thing. And this ad for mother's day's gifts to the right of me only brings up the fact that my birth made no sense at all. There was no room for me and I have not served a purpouse in my entire life. I am not even funny, and that I why I stopped drawing funny comics.

People used to tell me to end myself, a lot. I have not even been a waste of space; sometimes it has been as if I was invisable. It was ok to punsh me as much as you wanted. But eventually even that got boring. I am not worth that much of attention anyway.

I must have some sort of purpose since my body just refuses to give in. It is malfunctioning as hell, but it just keeps on going as if nothing was needed at all...

Oh, and I will edit this entry and leave the full version in my diary on helgon.net leaving this to make no sense whatsoever. Why? Because to proove my own point; nothing of this matters anyway, and I doubt that anyone will bother to read it anyway.

...But I am glad that Yonas noticed that I was wearing different pants.

Annons

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Katagi Mon 19 May 2008 10:27

Oj! Mycket känsla i den där bilden. Underbart snygg!

GeminiJuSa Mon 19 May 2008 10:28

Tack ^^ Jag gillar den med. Min pressbild på Myspace XD

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February 2012