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Book descriptionThis is one of my stranger and more embarrassing tales.For some bizarre reason, gnomes are a recurring theme in my life. Someone gave me this book the month I was getting married. I thought the gnome man and woman were cute, ad I bought a gnome man and woman as our wedding cake toppers. For our thank you notes after the wedding I bought a postcard of a gnome couple sitting by the side of a lake, fishing. The cake topper couple disappeared the night of the wedding and I have never seen them since. Not surprising... there were 400 people at our wedding, and it lasted four days.Well, like most marriages, one thing lead to another, and before you know it I was contemplating whether to smother him with a pillow or leave. I opted for the legal thing. Now here is where it gets weird. Like most couples we registered for wedding gifts. We received some china, silver and crystal stem ware. I left him most of the china and silver, taking just one place setting of each as a token rememberence. I also had some silver that my family gave me. My ex started to act progressively weirder as our divorce dragged on, custody court, etc etc (really long story)... and at one point I wound up basically winning the legal disputes we were having. During this time I had a friend of my sisters living with me, helping me out with my daughter who was 4 at the time. She was an older woman and extremely New Agey woo woo. She told me that she had had a vision that my ex was possessed by the spirit of a gnome whose name was Hairy Tuff (so not making that up). She said that he continued to have power over me because of the gold and other precious metals he had given me. One day my ex was visiting and saw inside my china cabinet the set of silver ware I had from our wedding. He literally started jumping up and down, his face turning bright red, screaming at me, Thief! Thief! He insisted that the silver was his and he wanted it back!Now, my ex husband is kinda short, has a pot belly, and is balding on top with Einstein-like tufts of hair that stick out on the side. He is also going grey and has a goatee and mustache. I cant say he looks like the Travelocity gnome... but he is definitely gnome like. And jumping up and down like that I kept thinking... oh my god, its Rumplestiltskin.After this incident my wacko roommate convinced me that what I had to do to sever his hold over me was to take all the gold he had given me and bury it in the yard, giving it back to the gnome spirits. Then he would have no power anymore. Being newly sober and kinda stupid and impressionable, I did as she suggested. I took my wedding band, my diamond engagement ring, a gold bracelet and watch... and buried them in the yard at night, chanting a little giving back ritual over them.A few years later I had become best friends with a Jewish American Princess from Queens. When I told her the story she spit out her food and yelled at me... You did WHAT with diamonds???!!! ARE YOU INSANE?????So we got it into our heads that we would go back to my old house and dig up the stuff I had buried. Now, the house was now rented to a young couple with a brand new baby. Because we were already out and about shopping and stuff, we were dressed in mini skirts, fishnets, nice blouses and heels. It was raining. We showed up at this womans door and asked her if it would be okay if we dug something up out of her yard, that I was the former tenent and I had buried my dead dogs ashes out under the tree. She looked at us like we were insane and said, uhm, okay.So we proceeded to dig. In the rain. In our skirts and pumps. But of course, I couldnt really remember EXACTLY where I had buried the stuff. It had been dark. It was somewhere NEAR the tree. On a hillside. Where there were other trees. That were all kind of the sameish.We dug for four hours.In the rain.Eventually the womans husband came home and was like... uhm... whatcha lookin for? We told him... my dogs ashes. He said, really? Cuz it kind of looks like youre looking for a dead body or something. Heh heh heh (nervously). We couldnt really argue with him. Im sure it must have looked... well.. odd.We never did find the damned jewelry. To this day my best friend loves to point at lawn gnomes as say... pssst... Charissa... its looking at you.I say the gnomes took that gold. I say its why I won the court case and why, no matter how hard the man tries, he has never had any power over me since then. I say... digging in the rain in mini skirts is FUN goddamn it!! I say... please pass my medication.Funny thing is... now my dad sort of looks like one of those damn lawn gnomes. He has a red woolen cap he wears in the winter, with his Santa beard and his enormous pot belly. I tell you, the gnomes are after me. They haunt me. Its okay though... they already have my gold... what more can they possibly take?Gnomes by Rien Poortvliet ebook reading phone torrent online
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