November
2 December 2009
Old blogpost
Blog post from SoclogI posted this when I was 15 on another blog, that was about 1 - 2 years ago (not exactly sure when) and I gotta warn you it's just shit, but anyhow here it goes:
"This world we call "home" isn't such a good place to live in afterall, nothing is really worth living for and if you do have anything to live for: it will disappear. One of the things that keeps mankind on this earth is love for someone else, but the chances of finding a counterpart that feels the same for you is like one in a million, as my good friend described it: "Love is like a treasure hunt - You can keep on fighting all life to get to the treasure, some even get to it, but they still get lost on the way back and lose it." Now that love has abanndoned me time after time I just can't keep on searching for the treasure - which I'm not likely to ever find again - for it is tearing me apart, bit by bit far more every day. My dear friend who I've only met once in life also said: "Love is like Russian Roulette - You have one small chance of surviving, otherwise it just kills you." I'm really tired of living in the background, all alone with no one to talk to, no one to comfort me, no one that understands.
All my life I've been outside, bullied and Alone, I found love once in life and it was great! Then one day it just disappeared after 8 months of torture - in a 1,5 year lasting relationship - which I had done no wrong to "earn". I kept my mouth shut for over 8 months of pure evil because of fear to lose her... the One I loved, the One I craved, the One I hate to miss. I really have been trying to move on and I have been searching for love since a couple of months back, but it keeps hiding, don't want me to find it - the treasure is hidden... All girls I look upon, all girls I spend time with to get to know is usually fake. They pretend to be someone they're not, they try to make you like them at any cause only because you're "good looking" or "kind" or just simply easy manipulated. Everyone keeps on talking about how mean guys are and that they are unsensetive and heartless freaks that cannot do anything but cause pain and suffering - NEWSFLASH! - Girls are JUST THE SAME! I'm not saying that all guys and girls are evil and mean, I just say that there exist guys like me who actually cares and are kind, helping, loving and weak... "Good girls go to heaven" - Right? But what about us guys? Where do we end up? Hell? It really is true that Bad things happen to good people, No matter if you like it or not - You can't prevent it unless you want to sit all alone in your room, isolating yourself from the world and just try to keep everyone safe from you. I've done both - Lived a "normal" life and stayed in my shaded room, hiding in the shadows just to atleast try not to hurt anyone!
Throughout my life I believed that I had some curse or something that kept tracking me down and made me suffer... It started 8 years ago when my brother died from a braindamage which he had when he was born... After that my life just started to fade slowly. I was 7, was gonna turn 8 in october - He was 9 and havent lived like a human being even once. I have no clue if he was there when we spoke to him, played with him, if he would remember me if he was alive. Sometimes I wished that he and I could have switched lives... Wondered why he in particular and not me, my bigger brother or little sister had the braindamage, wishing that I could have died instead of him, why I couldn't save him! I do not blame myself for his death, since I'm not controlling what happens before and after life, what we are ment to be, what people can do or not, but I really wish I could just do some changes! Contribute with something here in life that can help someone! I don't really care anymore if I'm happy, as long as I can help others to be, If I can find happiness with a girl or with friends or just simply family, I will embrace it and welcome it in my life.
I'm not a guy with a life in luxury - My mother is struggling with her work and gets bad payments, we live (Me, My Sister and My mother) On a low budget, never get things we want, never can buy things we need... All my life I have wished for money at my birthdays and other holidays like Christmas etc, just to be able to give them to my mother when she really needed them. I just want to help.. My confidence is really getting worse and worse, first I was getting bullied for over 6 years, my brother died, my uncle shot himself, my other brother almost got crushed by a big iron container, I always have lived in the background, never had girls or even guys attention (don't get me wrong, I'm straight and single, I ment in a friendly cause with the guy attention thing) and always has been broken hearted in a way I wish to forget, I almost died many times because of Asthma, one of my grandparents is a alcoholic, my dad has never cared for me, my sister or my brothers and only complains on us or our mother to get the problems off his shoulders! He has never paid allowance or even called us unless he wants something! He cannot give anything to us without getting something in return, he didn't even go to my brothers funeral! What father does a thing like that?! Deep within my heart and soul there grows a hate that becomes far more intense everyday that passes by, stacking up inside me - One day it will unleash my anger, confront him with all he's done, all he havent done, all he stopped caring for! I cannot predict the future - but I WILL get my revenge! If it's gonna be verbal, emotional or just simply physichal I don't know, but I will have it!
This is just my story of life, I'm 15 years old and still have my whole life ahead - But I don't appreciate it as I should, my brother who died didn't even have a chance to live and yet I have been suicidal and hurting myself with razorblades, cutting my arms and chest wide open. I really didn't think about my brother when I did it, if I would have then I wouldn't be writing this. Even though my life seems to be tough and hard to deal with (or am I dillusional? *don't know how it's spelled - don't really care*) others have bigger problems, more pain and suffering in their lives that anyone could imagine without knowing the person or take part of their feelings, I would - really - if I could. Some people let me share their burdens, tells me their stories and actually let me help, but some people think I'm nuts or just simply don't want to put their problems on my shoulders, though it is my wish. I don't even know why I created this blog that no one probably would read anyway, I've written it in english just to share it with the world - our "home" or what we should call it - since my country doesn't contribute so much emotions to the world, I hoped the world could contribute some for my country, any country or just simply your fellow friends or beloved ones. I don't know if I will continue to post further on this blog, whenever I feel about writing again I know where to go...
No where"
"This world we call "home" isn't such a good place to live in afterall, nothing is really worth living for and if you do have anything to live for: it will disappear. One of the things that keeps mankind on this earth is love for someone else, but the chances of finding a counterpart that feels the same for you is like one in a million, as my good friend described it: "Love is like a treasure hunt - You can keep on fighting all life to get to the treasure, some even get to it, but they still get lost on the way back and lose it." Now that love has abanndoned me time after time I just can't keep on searching for the treasure - which I'm not likely to ever find again - for it is tearing me apart, bit by bit far more every day. My dear friend who I've only met once in life also said: "Love is like Russian Roulette - You have one small chance of surviving, otherwise it just kills you." I'm really tired of living in the background, all alone with no one to talk to, no one to comfort me, no one that understands.
All my life I've been outside, bullied and Alone, I found love once in life and it was great! Then one day it just disappeared after 8 months of torture - in a 1,5 year lasting relationship - which I had done no wrong to "earn". I kept my mouth shut for over 8 months of pure evil because of fear to lose her... the One I loved, the One I craved, the One I hate to miss. I really have been trying to move on and I have been searching for love since a couple of months back, but it keeps hiding, don't want me to find it - the treasure is hidden... All girls I look upon, all girls I spend time with to get to know is usually fake. They pretend to be someone they're not, they try to make you like them at any cause only because you're "good looking" or "kind" or just simply easy manipulated. Everyone keeps on talking about how mean guys are and that they are unsensetive and heartless freaks that cannot do anything but cause pain and suffering - NEWSFLASH! - Girls are JUST THE SAME! I'm not saying that all guys and girls are evil and mean, I just say that there exist guys like me who actually cares and are kind, helping, loving and weak... "Good girls go to heaven" - Right? But what about us guys? Where do we end up? Hell? It really is true that Bad things happen to good people, No matter if you like it or not - You can't prevent it unless you want to sit all alone in your room, isolating yourself from the world and just try to keep everyone safe from you. I've done both - Lived a "normal" life and stayed in my shaded room, hiding in the shadows just to atleast try not to hurt anyone!
Throughout my life I believed that I had some curse or something that kept tracking me down and made me suffer... It started 8 years ago when my brother died from a braindamage which he had when he was born... After that my life just started to fade slowly. I was 7, was gonna turn 8 in october - He was 9 and havent lived like a human being even once. I have no clue if he was there when we spoke to him, played with him, if he would remember me if he was alive. Sometimes I wished that he and I could have switched lives... Wondered why he in particular and not me, my bigger brother or little sister had the braindamage, wishing that I could have died instead of him, why I couldn't save him! I do not blame myself for his death, since I'm not controlling what happens before and after life, what we are ment to be, what people can do or not, but I really wish I could just do some changes! Contribute with something here in life that can help someone! I don't really care anymore if I'm happy, as long as I can help others to be, If I can find happiness with a girl or with friends or just simply family, I will embrace it and welcome it in my life.
I'm not a guy with a life in luxury - My mother is struggling with her work and gets bad payments, we live (Me, My Sister and My mother) On a low budget, never get things we want, never can buy things we need... All my life I have wished for money at my birthdays and other holidays like Christmas etc, just to be able to give them to my mother when she really needed them. I just want to help.. My confidence is really getting worse and worse, first I was getting bullied for over 6 years, my brother died, my uncle shot himself, my other brother almost got crushed by a big iron container, I always have lived in the background, never had girls or even guys attention (don't get me wrong, I'm straight and single, I ment in a friendly cause with the guy attention thing) and always has been broken hearted in a way I wish to forget, I almost died many times because of Asthma, one of my grandparents is a alcoholic, my dad has never cared for me, my sister or my brothers and only complains on us or our mother to get the problems off his shoulders! He has never paid allowance or even called us unless he wants something! He cannot give anything to us without getting something in return, he didn't even go to my brothers funeral! What father does a thing like that?! Deep within my heart and soul there grows a hate that becomes far more intense everyday that passes by, stacking up inside me - One day it will unleash my anger, confront him with all he's done, all he havent done, all he stopped caring for! I cannot predict the future - but I WILL get my revenge! If it's gonna be verbal, emotional or just simply physichal I don't know, but I will have it!
This is just my story of life, I'm 15 years old and still have my whole life ahead - But I don't appreciate it as I should, my brother who died didn't even have a chance to live and yet I have been suicidal and hurting myself with razorblades, cutting my arms and chest wide open. I really didn't think about my brother when I did it, if I would have then I wouldn't be writing this. Even though my life seems to be tough and hard to deal with (or am I dillusional? *don't know how it's spelled - don't really care*) others have bigger problems, more pain and suffering in their lives that anyone could imagine without knowing the person or take part of their feelings, I would - really - if I could. Some people let me share their burdens, tells me their stories and actually let me help, but some people think I'm nuts or just simply don't want to put their problems on my shoulders, though it is my wish. I don't even know why I created this blog that no one probably would read anyway, I've written it in english just to share it with the world - our "home" or what we should call it - since my country doesn't contribute so much emotions to the world, I hoped the world could contribute some for my country, any country or just simply your fellow friends or beloved ones. I don't know if I will continue to post further on this blog, whenever I feel about writing again I know where to go...
No where"
Even though it feels so right, I can tell Something is wrong
http://deSex.blogg.se Drogad_Pojkk_92@actingcrazy.cp http://deSex.blogg.se
Direct link:
http://dayviews.com/des3x/2009/12/2/
Visa toppen
Show footer