November
Thursday 3 December 2009 photo 1/1
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To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who
obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee.
This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings
from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first
introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with
independence and the embracement of your community has
proven to be very true. I haven’t felt the excitement of listening
to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too
many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these
things.For example when we’re back stage and the lights go out
and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn’t affect me the
way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love,
relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something
I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can’t fool you, any one of
you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think
of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I’m
having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in
time clock before I walk out on stage. I’ve tried everything within
my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I do, but it’s
not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected
and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those
narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too
sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the
enthusiasms I once had as a child.On our last 3 tours, I’ve had a
much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally,
and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration,
the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all of
us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it
makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive,
unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I
don’t know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and
a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of
love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is
good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to
where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances
becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve
become.
I have it good, very good, and I’m grateful, but since the age of
seven, I’ve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only
because it seems so easy for people to get along that have
empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I
guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous
stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m
too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion
anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade
away.Peace, love, empathy. Kurt Cobain
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