January
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How To Be Normalby ~xStage
HOW TO SUCCEED AT
BEING A NORMAL TEENAGER:
(In 15 easy steps!)
1. The first step in
becoming a normal, bland, and spineless individual is very simple. Never think.
About anything. Ever. If you have a thought, let it go. Let someone else think
for you. Thinking is hard. Let someone else do it. Save your little conformist
brain cells for something less difficult.
2. Now let's talk about music.
You like unique music? Not anymore! You get to listen to the same generic,
repetitive sound that everyone else does. You know, that one beat over and over
with the words "Yeah", "baby" and "ooh" being repeated. Lucky you!
3. To
be normal, you've gotta dress normal. If you're a girl, that means you wear
leggings as pants and cut up your t-shirts so they just barely cover your chest.
Uggs are a must, for any time of the year, including midsummer. If you're a guy,
you wear the hem of your pants on the back of your knees. Overly violent band
t-shirts for bands that you only know one song for is highly recommended.
Jerseys and shorts are the number one choice for extremely cold
weather.
4. Now that you're dressed like the little snowflake you are,
it's time to talk about relationships with your parents! The next time they ask
you to perform a non time-consuming chore or a small favour, be sure to throw a
complete tantrum in the kitchen. Tell them how much you hate them and how they
don't accept your individuality, as they can see by your intuition in fashion.
Be sure to include that they don't love you and that they wish you were never
born. Follow this by running to your room and slamming your door off its hinges.
If they attempt to speak to you at any time after this, lay face down on your
bed and scream at them through your pillow. Scream about how no one loves you
and let your excessive eye makeup run down your face, too.
5. To ensure
that you're everyone's favourite person in the morning, don't ever sleep. It's
recommended that you should stay up all night on Facebook chat, having the exact
same conversation with nine different people. It should be going something like
this:
YOU: hey
"FRIEND": hi
YOU: wassup
"FRIEND": nm, u
YOU:
nm
"FRIEND": im bored
YOU: same
"FRIEND": wat r u doin
YOU: nothing
u
"FRIEND": nothing
YOU: lol
"FRIEND": lol
…And should continue
this way until the wee hours in the morning. During this time, no homework
should be done, and only caffeine and sugar filled foods should be
consumed.
6. If someone offers you an alcoholic drink, TAKE IT. CHUG IT
DOWN. YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO LOOK LIKE A LOSER WHO DOESN'T DRINK. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS
ON IT. DRINK IT. DRINK IIIIIIIIIIT.
7. Speaking of your amazing friends
that are so nice to you and you to them, you must remain in contact with them at
all times. They have to know everything that's happening in your life, just like
you need to know theirs. Every time you start and finish a meal, update your
Facebook status. Each time you borrow your mom's car to drive to someone's house
to do nothing but sit on their couch for three hours, you should tweet when you
left, while you drive there, when you get there, while you're there, when you
leave, on your way home, and when you get home. Your phone must be in your hand,
or within five inches of it at all times. You can't afford to not have it. What
if you miss an important tweet? Your friend could be eating a cheeseburger and
you won't know about it! YOU NEED THAT PHONE. Treat it like your child. No,
treat it BETTER than your child, which you'll likely have in the next two
years.
**Important Note: Don't forget to do it while you drive!
8. Go
beat up/ridicule a gay kid. Even a kid you think is gay and really isn't. Assume
that every guy in the school play and any girl not dressing like a slut is
gay.
9. You must use these words/phrases a minimum of five times per
minute:
- 'Like'
- 'Um' or 'Uh'
- 'Ohmigod'
- 'Literally'
-
'Legit'
- 'I know, right?!'
- 'Dude'
- A swear of some kind
-
'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!'
- A misinterpretation of the word 'Irony'
(And for
those familiar with internet vernacular)
- 'Derp' and/or 'Herp'
-
'Fail'
- 'FFFFFFUUUUUU'
- 'ASDFASDFASDFASDFASDF'
- 'WHAT IS THIS I
DON'T EVEN'
- Sentences that begin with 'Y U NO'
- 'UR GAY'
-
'FIRST!'
10. No matter how pretty, thin, and beautiful your outward
appearance is, you must always dismiss yourself as "ugly", "disgusting",
"hideous", etc.
11. Interpret EVERYTHING you see and hear as
sexual.
12. You should ALWAYS expect sympathy from others no matter WHAT
you do. Expect that your friends will cry and hug you when you tell them about
that tragic weekend your mom took your phone away, ALL because you were caught
driving drunk and having sex.
13. The only words you read should come
from a TV, a computer screen, or your phone. Reading is for losers who don't
have friends to text.
14. If you are doing poorly in any class, expect
that the teacher secretly hates you. They really, really hate you. Even though
you're doing awesome in that class, they give you bad grades because they are
secretly trying to destroy you, and keep from you getting into the party school
you want to go too, even though mommy and daddy will buy your way in there
anyway. It's NEVER your fault. That teacher WANTS to see you crash and burn.
Don't forget to say that to their face and to complain to all of your
friends!
15. What's that? SOMEONE IS ACTING DIFFERENTLY FROM YOU! They
are assaulting your individuality with individuality of their own! They don't
listen to the music you do! They're a girl, and you can't even see their bra
straps! How can she hope to be respected when she's not even a d-cup?! They're a
guy and you can't even see their boxers! The smell of Axe body spray isn't
activating your gag reflex! You know what you must do? ATTACK! DON'T LET THEM
GET AWAY! How dare they act more intelligent and insightful than you, even
though they are! DESTROY THEM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY! What's this?! THEY'RE GAY
TOO? NO! THAT GOES AGAINST THE RELIGION YOU SAY YOU FOLLOW BUT REALLY DON'T!
NOOOOOOO!*explode*
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOW A COMPLETELY NORMAL
TEEN.
Go cry now.
How To Be Normalby ~xStage
HOW TO SUCCEED AT
BEING A NORMAL TEENAGER:
(In 15 easy steps!)
1. The first step in
becoming a normal, bland, and spineless individual is very simple. Never think.
About anything. Ever. If you have a thought, let it go. Let someone else think
for you. Thinking is hard. Let someone else do it. Save your little conformist
brain cells for something less difficult.
2. Now let's talk about music.
You like unique music? Not anymore! You get to listen to the same generic,
repetitive sound that everyone else does. You know, that one beat over and over
with the words "Yeah", "baby" and "ooh" being repeated. Lucky you!
3. To
be normal, you've gotta dress normal. If you're a girl, that means you wear
leggings as pants and cut up your t-shirts so they just barely cover your chest.
Uggs are a must, for any time of the year, including midsummer. If you're a guy,
you wear the hem of your pants on the back of your knees. Overly violent band
t-shirts for bands that you only know one song for is highly recommended.
Jerseys and shorts are the number one choice for extremely cold
weather.
4. Now that you're dressed like the little snowflake you are,
it's time to talk about relationships with your parents! The next time they ask
you to perform a non time-consuming chore or a small favour, be sure to throw a
complete tantrum in the kitchen. Tell them how much you hate them and how they
don't accept your individuality, as they can see by your intuition in fashion.
Be sure to include that they don't love you and that they wish you were never
born. Follow this by running to your room and slamming your door off its hinges.
If they attempt to speak to you at any time after this, lay face down on your
bed and scream at them through your pillow. Scream about how no one loves you
and let your excessive eye makeup run down your face, too.
5. To ensure
that you're everyone's favourite person in the morning, don't ever sleep. It's
recommended that you should stay up all night on Facebook chat, having the exact
same conversation with nine different people. It should be going something like
this:
YOU: hey
"FRIEND": hi
YOU: wassup
"FRIEND": nm, u
YOU:
nm
"FRIEND": im bored
YOU: same
"FRIEND": wat r u doin
YOU: nothing
u
"FRIEND": nothing
YOU: lol
"FRIEND": lol
…And should continue
this way until the wee hours in the morning. During this time, no homework
should be done, and only caffeine and sugar filled foods should be
consumed.
6. If someone offers you an alcoholic drink, TAKE IT. CHUG IT
DOWN. YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO LOOK LIKE A LOSER WHO DOESN'T DRINK. YOUR LIFE DEPENDS
ON IT. DRINK IT. DRINK IIIIIIIIIIT.
7. Speaking of your amazing friends
that are so nice to you and you to them, you must remain in contact with them at
all times. They have to know everything that's happening in your life, just like
you need to know theirs. Every time you start and finish a meal, update your
Facebook status. Each time you borrow your mom's car to drive to someone's house
to do nothing but sit on their couch for three hours, you should tweet when you
left, while you drive there, when you get there, while you're there, when you
leave, on your way home, and when you get home. Your phone must be in your hand,
or within five inches of it at all times. You can't afford to not have it. What
if you miss an important tweet? Your friend could be eating a cheeseburger and
you won't know about it! YOU NEED THAT PHONE. Treat it like your child. No,
treat it BETTER than your child, which you'll likely have in the next two
years.
**Important Note: Don't forget to do it while you drive!
8. Go
beat up/ridicule a gay kid. Even a kid you think is gay and really isn't. Assume
that every guy in the school play and any girl not dressing like a slut is
gay.
9. You must use these words/phrases a minimum of five times per
minute:
- 'Like'
- 'Um' or 'Uh'
- 'Ohmigod'
- 'Literally'
-
'Legit'
- 'I know, right?!'
- 'Dude'
- A swear of some kind
-
'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!'
- A misinterpretation of the word 'Irony'
(And for
those familiar with internet vernacular)
- 'Derp' and/or 'Herp'
-
'Fail'
- 'FFFFFFUUUUUU'
- 'ASDFASDFASDFASDFASDF'
- 'WHAT IS THIS I
DON'T EVEN'
- Sentences that begin with 'Y U NO'
- 'UR GAY'
-
'FIRST!'
10. No matter how pretty, thin, and beautiful your outward
appearance is, you must always dismiss yourself as "ugly", "disgusting",
"hideous", etc.
11. Interpret EVERYTHING you see and hear as
sexual.
12. You should ALWAYS expect sympathy from others no matter WHAT
you do. Expect that your friends will cry and hug you when you tell them about
that tragic weekend your mom took your phone away, ALL because you were caught
driving drunk and having sex.
13. The only words you read should come
from a TV, a computer screen, or your phone. Reading is for losers who don't
have friends to text.
14. If you are doing poorly in any class, expect
that the teacher secretly hates you. They really, really hate you. Even though
you're doing awesome in that class, they give you bad grades because they are
secretly trying to destroy you, and keep from you getting into the party school
you want to go too, even though mommy and daddy will buy your way in there
anyway. It's NEVER your fault. That teacher WANTS to see you crash and burn.
Don't forget to say that to their face and to complain to all of your
friends!
15. What's that? SOMEONE IS ACTING DIFFERENTLY FROM YOU! They
are assaulting your individuality with individuality of their own! They don't
listen to the music you do! They're a girl, and you can't even see their bra
straps! How can she hope to be respected when she's not even a d-cup?! They're a
guy and you can't even see their boxers! The smell of Axe body spray isn't
activating your gag reflex! You know what you must do? ATTACK! DON'T LET THEM
GET AWAY! How dare they act more intelligent and insightful than you, even
though they are! DESTROY THEM PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY! What's this?! THEY'RE GAY
TOO? NO! THAT GOES AGAINST THE RELIGION YOU SAY YOU FOLLOW BUT REALLY DON'T!
NOOOOOOO!*explode*
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOW A COMPLETELY NORMAL
TEEN.
Go cry now.
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