I can honestly say that even in my lowest moments I've never made a cut in my skin just because it would give me some relief.
I've tried so hard to not think about doing it, I've been close to ending it all but I'm still alive because even though I feel like dying I'm not ready to die just yet, I still have so much to see.

And even though I'm just 19 I feel like I've experienced all feelings all feelings, except for getting a family on my own and that is basically everything I'm living for right now. But to experience that I must learn to love again, to let myself feel again and not putting up a wall everytime someone gets close to my heart. I need someone to mend my broken heart and take good care of it without crushing it.

That is why I write stories, to let my feelings out in someway without letting people know that, that is actually based on how I feel and how I am at the moment or well all the time.

I have to tell you that to keep up the smile I always wear is hard work. Every night when I go to bed the tears keep streaming down my face from exhaustion. Every night I wish some one would hug me, just hug me not saying a word about how it's going to be okay or anything like that. Just that can make me a bit better. I can't say I would be happy, because I won't. I would probably still cry, but I would feel a bit better, maybe even a bit loved.

I have found someone who has seen the real me, In my shitty mood and I am so scared that he will just leave me because of that. Every single day I live in fear of someone I like just will leave me. I wn't blame the person, I would leave myself too if I could, but I can't, I'm stuck with me forever. But so far he hasn't left me, he's still my friend.

Still. My. Friend.

Oh, how I wish it was more than that. He knows more about me then I do myself and it scares me so much but since he is still around I am giving him a bit more trust. For everyday we talk I trust him a bit more. My guard is still up and he knows that, he can sence it, he told me that he felt it.
I have snapped at him, I have cried with him around and I have been myself with him and he is still there. It's amazing how a person can mean so much after just sticking around during the worst times. It means the world to me. Not even my family wants to know anything about me when I am at my worst, they keep telling me to suck it up and that it's all in my head.
Yes it is in my head and if they only knew what my mind told me they would be surprised I'm still alive, everyne would be surprised that I'm still alive.

I have so much to write, but I have no Idea how to get it down in words. It's all in my head, spinning around there screaming at me, mixed with all the hatefull things it also screams at me. There is so much screaming in my head that it's a wonder I can make out the words that's in there.

Bu one thing is for sure, I will never be okay and I can live with that. I have so far.

Annons

The photo has no tags

August 2018