December
Wednesday 26 November 2008 photo 1/1
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MR. PINK
"Like a Virgin" is all about a
girl who digs a guy with a big
dick. The whole song is a
metaphor for big dicks.
MR. BLUE
No it's not. It's about a girl
who is very vulnerable and she's
been fucked over a few times.
Then she meets some guy who's
really sensitive--
MR. PINK
--Whoa...whoa...time out Greenbay.
Tell that bullshit to the
tourists.
JOE
(looking through his
address book)
Toby...who the fuck is Toby?
Toby...Toby...think...think...
think...
MR. PINK
It's not about a nice girl who
meets a sensitive boy. Now
granted that's what "True Blue" is
about, no argument about that.
MR. ORANGE
Which one is "True Blue?"
NICE GUY EDDIE
You don't remember "True Blue?"
That was a big ass hit for
Madonna. Shit, I don't even
follow this Tops In Pops shit, and
I've at least heard of "True
Blue."
MR. ORANGE
Look, asshole, I didn't say I
ain't heard of it. All I asked
was how does it go? Excuse me
for not being the world's biggest
Madonna fan.
MR. BROWN
I hate Madonna.
MR. BLUE
I like her early stuff. You know,
"Lucky Star," "Borderline" - but
once she got into her "Papa Don't
Preach" phase, I don't know, I
tuned out.
MR. PINK
Hey, fuck all that, I'm
making a point here. You're gonna
make me lose my train
of thought.
JOE
Oh fuck, Toby's that little china
girl.
MR. WHITE
What's that?
JOE
I found this old address book in a
jacket I ain't worn in a coon's
age. Toby what? What the fuck
was her last name?
MR. PINK
Where was I?
MR. ORANGE
You said "True Blue" was about a
nice girl who finds a sensitive
fella. But "Like a Virgin" was a
metaphor for big dicks.
MR. PINK
Let me tell ya what "Like a
Virgin"'s about. It's about some
cooze who's a regular fuck
machine.
I mean all the time, morning, day,
night, afternoon, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
dick.
MR. BLUE
How many dicks was that?
MR. WHITE
A lot.
MR. PINK
Then one day she meets a John
Holmes motherfucker, and it's
like, whoa baby. This mother
fucker's like Charles Bronson in
"The Great Escape." He's diggin
tunnels. Now she's gettin this
serious dick action, she's feelin
something she ain't felt since
forever. Pain.
JOE
Chew? Toby Chew? No.
MR. PINK
It hurts. It hurts her. It
shouldn't hurt. Her pussy should
be Bubble-Yum by now. But when
this cat fucks her, it hurts. It
hurts like the first time. The
pain is reminding a fuck machine
what is was like to be a virgin.
Hence, "Like a Virgin."
The fellas crack up.
JOE
Wong?
MR. PINK
Fuck you, wrong. I'm right! What
the fuck do you know about it
anyway? You're still listening to
Jerry-fucking-Vale.
JOE
Not wrong, dumb ass, Wong! You
know, like the Chinese name?
Mr. White snatches the address book from Joe's hand. They
fight, but they're not really mad at each other.
MR. WHITE
Give me this fucking thing.
JOE
What the fuck do you think you're
doin? Give me my book back!
MR. WHITE
I'm sick of fuckin hearin it Joe,
I'll give it back when we leave.
JOE
Whaddaya mean, give it to me when
we leave, give it back now.
MR. WHITE
For the past fifteen minutes now,
you've just been droning on with
names. "Toby...Toby...Toby...
Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby
Chung...fuckin Charlie Chan." I
got Madonna's big dick outta my
right ear, and Toby Jap I-don't-
know-what, outta my left.
JOE
What do you care?
MR. WHITE
When you're annoying as hell, I
care a lot.
JOE
Give me my book.
MR. WHITE
You gonna put it away?
JOE
I'm gonna do whatever I wanna do
with it.
MR. WHITE
Well, then, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to keep it.
MR. BLONDE
Joe, you want me to shoot him for
you?
MR. WHITE
Shit, you shoot me in a dream, you
better wake up and apologize.
NICE GUY EDDIE
Have you guys been listening to K-
BILLY's super sounds of the
seventies weekend?
MR. PINK
Yeah, it's fuckin great isn't it?
NICE GUY EDDIE
Can you believe the songs they
been playin?
MR. PINK
No, I can't. You know what I
heard the other day? "Heartbeat -
It's Lovebeat," by little Tony
DeFranco and the DeFranco Family.
I haven't heard that since I was
in fifth fuckin grade.
NICE GUY EDDIE
When I was coming down here, I was
playin it. And "The Night the
Lights Went Out in Georgia" came
on. Now I ain't heard that song
since it was big, but when it was
big, I heard it a million-
trillion times. I'm listening to
it this morning, and this was the
first time I ever realized that
the lady singing the song, was the
one who killed Andy.
MR. BLUE
You didn't know Vicki Lawrence
killed the guy?
NICE GUY EDDIE
I thought the cheatin wife shot
Andy.
MR. BLONDE
They say it in the song.
NICE GUY EDDIE
I know, I heard it. I musta zoned
out whenever that part came on
before. I thought when she said
that little sister stuff, she was
talkin about her sister- in-law,
the cheatin wife.
JOE
No, she did it. She killed the
cheatin wife, too.
MR. PINK
You know the part in "Gypsies,
Tramps and Theives," when she says
"Poppa woulda shot his if he knew
what he'd done?" I could never
figure out what he did.
The table laughs. The WAITRESS comes over to the table.
She has the check, and a pot of coffee.
WAITRESS
Can I get anybody more
coffee.
JOE
No, we're gonna be hittin it.
I'll take care of the check.
She hands the bill to him.
WAITRESS
Here ya go. Please pay at the
register, if you wouldn't mind.
JOE
Sure thing.
WAITRESS
You guys have a wonderful day.
They all mutter equivalents. She exits and Joe stands up.
JOE
I'll take care of this, you guys
leave the tip.
(to Mr. White)
And when I come back, I want my
book back.
MR. WHITE
Sorry, it's my book now.
JOE
Blonde, shoot this piece of shit,
will ya?
Mr. Blonde shoots Mr. White with his finger. Mr White
acts shot. Joe exits.
NICE GUY EDDIE
Okay, everybody cough up green for
the little lady.
Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table.
Everybody, that is, except Mr. White.
NICE GUY EDDIE
C'mon, throw in a buck.
MR. WHITE
Uh-uh. I don't tip.
NICE GUY EDDIE
Whaddaya mean you don't tip?
MR. WHITE
I don't believe in it.
NICE GUY EDDIE
You don't believe in tipping?
MR. PINK
(laughing)
I love this kid, he's a madman,
this guy.
MR. BLONDE
Do you have any idea what these
ladies make? They make shit.
MR. WHITE
Don't give me that. She don't
make enough money, she can quit.
Everybody laughs.
NICE GUY EDDIE
I don't even know a Jew who'd have
the balls to say that. So let's
get this straight. You never ever
tip?
MR. WHITE
I don't tip because society says I
gotta. I tip when somebody
deserves a tip. When somebody
really puts forth an effort, they
deserve a little something extra.
But this tipping automatically,
that shit's for the birds. As far
as I'm concerned, they're just
doin their job.
MR. BLUE
Our girl was nice.
MR. WHITE
Our girl was okay. She didn't do
anything special.
MR. BLONDE
What's something special, take ya
in the kitchen and suck your dick?
They all laugh.
NICE GUY EDDIE
I'd go over twelve percent for
that.
MR. WRITE
Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've
been here a long fuckin time, and
she's only filled my cup three
times. When I order coffee, I
want it filled six times.
MR. BLONDE
What if she's too busy?
MR. WHITE
The words "too busy" shouldn't be
in a waitress's vocabulary.
NICE GUY EDDIE
Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last
thing you need is another cup of
coffee.
They all laugh.
MR. WHITE
These ladies aren't starvin to
death. They make minimum wage.
When I worked for minimum wage, I
wasn't lucky enough to have a job
that society deemed tipworthy.
NICE GUY EDDIE
Ahh, now we're getting down to it.
It's not just that he's a cheap
bastard--
MR. ORANGE
--It is that too--
NICE GUY EDDIE
--It is that too. But it's also
he couldn't get a waiter job. You
talk like a pissed off dishwasher:
"Fuck those cunts and their
fucking tips."
MR. BLONDE
So you don't care that they're
counting on your tip to live?
Mr. White rubs two of his fingers together.
MR. WHITE
Do you know what this is? It's
the world's smallest violin,
playing just for the waitresses.
MR. BLONDE
You don't have any idea what
you're talking about. These
people bust their ass. This
is a hard job.
MR. WHITE
So's working at McDonald's, but
you don't feel the need to tip
them. They're servin ya food, you
should tip em. But no, society
says tip these guys over here, but
not those guys over there. That's
bullshit.
MR. ORANGE
They work harder than the kids at
McDonald's.
MR. WHITE
Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning
fryers.
MR. BROWN
These people are taxed on the tips
they make. When you stiff 'em,
you cost them money.
MR. BLONDE
Waitressing is the number one
occupation for female non-college
graduates in this country. It's
the one jab basically any woman
can get, and make a living on.
The reason is because of tips.
MR. WHITE
Fuck all that.
They all laugh.
MR. WHITE
Hey, I'm very sorry that the
government taxes their tips.
That's fucked up. But that ain't
my fault. it would appear that
waitresses are just one of the
many groups the government fucks
in the ass on a regular basis.
You show me a paper says the
government shouldn't do that, I'll
sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll
vote for it. But what I won't do
is play ball. And this non-
college bullshit you're telling
me, I got two words for that:
"Learn to fuckin type." Cause if
you're expecting me to help out
with the rent, you're in for a big
fuckin surprise.
MR. ORANGE
He's convinced me. Give me my
dollar back.
No it's not. It's about a girl
who is very vulnerable and she's
been fucked over a few times.
Then she meets some guy who's
really sensitive--
--Whoa...whoa...time out Greenbay.
Tell that bullshit to the
tourists.
(looking through his
address book)
Toby...who the fuck is Toby?
Toby...Toby...think...think...
think...
It's not about a nice girl who
meets a sensitive boy. Now
granted that's what "True Blue" is
about, no argument about that.
Which one is "True Blue?"
You don't remember "True Blue?"
That was a big ass hit for
Madonna. Shit, I don't even
follow this Tops In Pops shit, and
I've at least heard of "True
Blue."
Look, asshole, I didn't say I
ain't heard of it. All I asked
was how does it go? Excuse me
for not being the world's biggest
Madonna fan.
I hate Madonna.
I like her early stuff. You know,
"Lucky Star," "Borderline" - but
once she got into her "Papa Don't
Preach" phase, I don't know, I
tuned out.
Hey, fuck all that, I'm
making a point here. You're gonna
make me lose my train
of thought.
Oh fuck, Toby's that little china
girl.
What's that?
I found this old address book in a
jacket I ain't worn in a coon's
age. Toby what? What the fuck
was her last name?
Where was I?
You said "True Blue" was about a
nice girl who finds a sensitive
fella. But "Like a Virgin" was a
metaphor for big dicks.
Let me tell ya what "Like a
Virgin"'s about. It's about some
cooze who's a regular fuck
machine.
I mean all the time, morning, day,
night, afternoon, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick,
dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,
dick.
How many dicks was that?
A lot.
Then one day she meets a John
Holmes motherfucker, and it's
like, whoa baby. This mother
fucker's like Charles Bronson in
"The Great Escape." He's diggin
tunnels. Now she's gettin this
serious dick action, she's feelin
something she ain't felt since
forever. Pain.
Chew? Toby Chew? No.
It hurts. It hurts her. It
shouldn't hurt. Her pussy should
be Bubble-Yum by now. But when
this cat fucks her, it hurts. It
hurts like the first time. The
pain is reminding a fuck machine
what is was like to be a virgin.
Hence, "Like a Virgin."
Wong?
Fuck you, wrong. I'm right! What
the fuck do you know about it
anyway? You're still listening to
Jerry-fucking-Vale.
Not wrong, dumb ass, Wong! You
know, like the Chinese name?
Give me this fucking thing.
What the fuck do you think you're
doin? Give me my book back!
I'm sick of fuckin hearin it Joe,
I'll give it back when we leave.
Whaddaya mean, give it to me when
we leave, give it back now.
For the past fifteen minutes now,
you've just been droning on with
names. "Toby...Toby...Toby...
Toby Wong...Toby Wong...Toby
Chung...fuckin Charlie Chan." I
got Madonna's big dick outta my
right ear, and Toby Jap I-don't-
know-what, outta my left.
What do you care?
When you're annoying as hell, I
care a lot.
Give me my book.
You gonna put it away?
I'm gonna do whatever I wanna do
with it.
Well, then, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to keep it.
Joe, you want me to shoot him for
you?
Shit, you shoot me in a dream, you
better wake up and apologize.
Have you guys been listening to K-
BILLY's super sounds of the
seventies weekend?
Yeah, it's fuckin great isn't it?
Can you believe the songs they
been playin?
No, I can't. You know what I
heard the other day? "Heartbeat -
It's Lovebeat," by little Tony
DeFranco and the DeFranco Family.
I haven't heard that since I was
in fifth fuckin grade.
When I was coming down here, I was
playin it. And "The Night the
Lights Went Out in Georgia" came
on. Now I ain't heard that song
since it was big, but when it was
big, I heard it a million-
trillion times. I'm listening to
it this morning, and this was the
first time I ever realized that
the lady singing the song, was the
one who killed Andy.
You didn't know Vicki Lawrence
killed the guy?
I thought the cheatin wife shot
Andy.
They say it in the song.
I know, I heard it. I musta zoned
out whenever that part came on
before. I thought when she said
that little sister stuff, she was
talkin about her sister- in-law,
the cheatin wife.
No, she did it. She killed the
cheatin wife, too.
You know the part in "Gypsies,
Tramps and Theives," when she says
"Poppa woulda shot his if he knew
what he'd done?" I could never
figure out what he did.
She has the check, and a pot of coffee.
Can I get anybody more
coffee.
No, we're gonna be hittin it.
I'll take care of the check.
Here ya go. Please pay at the
register, if you wouldn't mind.
Sure thing.
You guys have a wonderful day.
I'll take care of this, you guys
leave the tip.
(to Mr. White)
And when I come back, I want my
book back.
Sorry, it's my book now.
Blonde, shoot this piece of shit,
will ya?
Okay, everybody cough up green for
the little lady.
C'mon, throw in a buck.
Uh-uh. I don't tip.
Whaddaya mean you don't tip?
I don't believe in it.
You don't believe in tipping?
(laughing)
I love this kid, he's a madman,
this guy.
Do you have any idea what these
ladies make? They make shit.
Don't give me that. She don't
make enough money, she can quit.
I don't even know a Jew who'd have
the balls to say that. So let's
get this straight. You never ever
tip?
I don't tip because society says I
gotta. I tip when somebody
deserves a tip. When somebody
really puts forth an effort, they
deserve a little something extra.
But this tipping automatically,
that shit's for the birds. As far
as I'm concerned, they're just
doin their job.
Our girl was nice.
Our girl was okay. She didn't do
anything special.
What's something special, take ya
in the kitchen and suck your dick?
I'd go over twelve percent for
that.
Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've
been here a long fuckin time, and
she's only filled my cup three
times. When I order coffee, I
want it filled six times.
What if she's too busy?
The words "too busy" shouldn't be
in a waitress's vocabulary.
Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last
thing you need is another cup of
coffee.
These ladies aren't starvin to
death. They make minimum wage.
When I worked for minimum wage, I
wasn't lucky enough to have a job
that society deemed tipworthy.
Ahh, now we're getting down to it.
It's not just that he's a cheap
bastard--
--It is that too--
--It is that too. But it's also
he couldn't get a waiter job. You
talk like a pissed off dishwasher:
"Fuck those cunts and their
fucking tips."
So you don't care that they're
counting on your tip to live?
Do you know what this is? It's
the world's smallest violin,
playing just for the waitresses.
You don't have any idea what
you're talking about. These
people bust their ass. This
is a hard job.
So's working at McDonald's, but
you don't feel the need to tip
them. They're servin ya food, you
should tip em. But no, society
says tip these guys over here, but
not those guys over there. That's
bullshit.
They work harder than the kids at
McDonald's.
Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning
fryers.
These people are taxed on the tips
they make. When you stiff 'em,
you cost them money.
Waitressing is the number one
occupation for female non-college
graduates in this country. It's
the one jab basically any woman
can get, and make a living on.
The reason is because of tips.
Fuck all that.
Hey, I'm very sorry that the
government taxes their tips.
That's fucked up. But that ain't
my fault. it would appear that
waitresses are just one of the
many groups the government fucks
in the ass on a regular basis.
You show me a paper says the
government shouldn't do that, I'll
sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll
vote for it. But what I won't do
is play ball. And this non-
college bullshit you're telling
me, I got two words for that:
"Learn to fuckin type." Cause if
you're expecting me to help out
with the rent, you're in for a big
fuckin surprise.
He's convinced me. Give me my
dollar back.
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