June
Tuesday 24 June 2008 photo 1/1
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Today, I shot myself in the face.
You didn't think I'd pull it off, but hey... guess I proved you wrong, huh? I never understood why you were so doubtful all the time. There was no faith. No compassion. It's like you always were on my side, and still you weren't... For all those years, you said you'd come through. Said you'd shape up. Said you'd make me whole. You never did. Why didn't you? Was it something I said? Something I did? Something I didn't do? Guess there's no use asking you, you never tell me anything. You never did. Or, to put it that way, you told me all kinds of things, but was any of it true? Genuine? Bona-fide? Were you?
It all made me listen to this sad piece of shit music... The kind that you listen to when you're not at the peak of your lifetime, not even halfway there, and this music, it just amplifies your emotions, making you feel less yet even more lonely... Less because you imagine you're not the only one feeling this way, even more because you know that you feel htis yourself anyway.
At one point, you asked me "Do you enjoy listening to sad songs? Songs that touch your heart and makes people cry?" I told you no. I didn't at the time. I found them boring, lifeless, pointless. Listening to something that might make you feel worst didn't make sense to me. I'd call at those people listening to such stuff idiots, self-destructive motherfuckers who didn't get the poing of anything.
You can put the blame on the music, if you want to. It's what made me pull the trigger. Or was it? Was it the emotional power of the melodies and harmonies and the beats and the flow and all that that made me put an end to it all? I don't think so. I don't think you can blame anyone, or anything, but yourself.
You could also blame me. Guess it's a matter of perspective. Isn't that what you used to say?
Thank you, and fuck you.
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