Everyting is so much in a blur these days.

The past that once was so vidid is now shattered into small fragments of lost emotions. I remember feeling trapped, stereotyped, confused and weak, angry, sad and completely out of touch with myself.

No one was to blame. Or everyone. Or a few selected souls, maybe. I don’t know and I don’t care. I lost myself in the pursuit of the happiness I thought I needed. I believed in it enough to savor the lies and act the part. It consumed me up to the point where I thought there was no return. Him and me back then... we created a safe haven of ignorance, but under the surface we boiled like lava. He is better off without the constant battle we knew none of us would ever win. He is a better man as I am a better woman when we are seperated from each other.

We had our shot, we learned a lot, but to leave was in the end the one and only option.

I remember staring at the ceiling before falling asleep on the sofa in my father’s apartment.

I remember being tired, afraid, confused, weak... but I wasn’t trapped or stereotyped.

I recall emotions flooding in, filling me up wave by wave as I lay there... but they weren’t of anger or regret of doing nothing. I had done something. I had finally refused. I had finally let go.

... Then I remember a new embrace, a new scent and a new heart beating next to mine.

I remember someone walking past my deep defence, the wall around my heart, like it wasn’t even there. He watched the dying flame at the center of my feeble soul and kissed me.

This part is not in a blur.

This part is vivid and clear.

The flame burst every barrier ever built, set us both on fire and woke me up. The waves of emotions crashed into each other, creating beautiful patterns of honest, true chaos, a chaos I had put aside so long ago, the chaos I live for. This man came from nowhere and took me everywhere.

Now, nothing makes sense, but in a beautiful kind of way. My shattared emotions of confusion, sadness, resignation and hate fade in the light of his prescence. I haven’t got a god damn clue what it is that he does or how he is capable of doing so, I don’t even think he has the answer to that particular question... I don’t understand why the sound of his voice, or the way his breath feels on the back of my neck as he falls asleep next to me, soothes my soul... but it does.

It scares the living hell out of me to feel this safe.

Just to think about it sends chills down my spine, but I prefer emotions drowning me than a desert of vast, dry nothingness.

I prefer chaos more than order.

I prefer love more than hate.

I prefer the pain of feeling my heart beat loudly in my chest more than feeling nothing.

In other words...

I prefer you.

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