June
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1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend,you need not and should not provide any information as to hiswhereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man's toast may not include any ofthe following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were allpiss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told toyour friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone withinearshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying topick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to waitfor another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, youare required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scoreson the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beveragesin your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if thetemperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrowanything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice.Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy(agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying toscore) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with yourgood deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden toever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy's ex you arerequired to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowedto say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"
14. Women who claim they "love to watchsports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge ofthe game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy abirthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your bestfriends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences overthe death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set iton fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond withyour buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you arenot required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low levelsports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching asporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress,but you may never ask who's playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set yourfriend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grantpermission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend toprepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger orass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male speciesin the testicles.
23. Unless you're in prison, never fightnaked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy isoutnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jumpinto the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friendsactions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good asswuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and standback and enjoy.
24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times whengetting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However,"house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to theowner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where ashotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or itis at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams itis permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- aslong as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing onthe sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.
32. Never talk to another man in the bathroomunless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in linefor all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.
33. Never allow a telephone conversation witha woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep astopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.
34. You can not rat out a friend who show'sup to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide theaspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness onhis computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged everyseven minutes.
35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.
36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with agirl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances ofgetting any either.
37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheaton his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on hisfeet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you areabsolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have noidea what his girlfriend is talking about.
38. The morning after you and a babe, who wasformerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weirdand guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is adiscussion about what a big mistake it was.
39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or anyother foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances areyou permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may bemade to make him aware of it.
40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearlybasis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in aninterval other than a year
41. When using a urinal in a public restroom,a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If theonly empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you arestill required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a linehas formed to use the pisser)
42. When coming to a room which you know isoccupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock andwait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door islocked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
43. The only time dicking over a buddy for agirl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale.(exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sexinvolved).
44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.
45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
46. If you accidentally touch or brush againstany part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident,and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.
47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutesin front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waitingperiod must be allowed before returning to the mirror.
48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is noargument too important for this determining method.
49. No man will ever willingly watch a moviein which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to viewsuch a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.
50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
51. If a bet is made, and the challenge iscompleted, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediatelycompleting a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge orchooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.
52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)
53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass bywhile you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, taphim on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.
55. No comment shall ever be made to a manabout how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring noticeto any body part which he may be sweating from.
56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)
57. You have not made any mistake if you findthat there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object.In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
58. There are is never an occasion in whichany shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you areparticipating in a organized sporting event)
59. Unless you are under the age of 11 orwearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty's. It still escapesall reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.
60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.
62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.
63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.
64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.
65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.
67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as away to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and movingyour head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row arejust plain scary...
68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!
69. It is the God given duty of every man toassist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtainingevery guys dream (threesome with two girls)
* with every set of laws, there areappropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one ofthese codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from thetime of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time hewill not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear thename Princess.
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.
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