February
Saturday 20 October 2007 photo 1/1
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I can't believe it still hurts this much. It's fucking absurd. I haven't talked to you in two months, and I haven't been friends with you in six months. I should've gotten over it by now. But no, you're still here. No matter how hard I try to force the memories of you away. You're still here. It's like you came into my life and glued yourself to me. Well, not literally of course, but the memory of you is forever etched into my mind. I can't get you out.... I don't even want to though. I want you here just like before. Just like before when I cried in your arms, and you cried in mine. Just like before when you told me I was your light, and that you were thankful I stepped into your life. Just like before when you called me in the middle of the night just to talk about everything and nothing. Just like before when you borrowed my dad's car and drove us to ICA just to buy candy for us to get fat on. Just like before when we sat up 24 hours just talking on msn/the phone/webcam/whatever and just goofed around. Just being us. Just like before when I sang you to sleep. Your favorite song was Eva Cassidy's "Time after time", remember? Just like before when you told me to never leave you. I have never left you... but you left me. A couple of minutes ago, I looked through pictures of you, of us and your friends and things that have happened to you. I almost remember exactly why and when you sent them to me. I have memories attached to almost every picture you ever sent. I remember it all. I listed to some old clips of you playing guitar, you screaming and talking. I cried. I cried to the sound of you. And I cried to all the memories of you. I cry. I read through some old msn conversations between you and I. It hurt so goddamn much. I'm crying again because it hurts so bad. My heart is breaking. I wish I could tell you. I wish you could understand. I wish you were here sometimes. Whenever something happens in my life, whether good or bad, I want you here. I want to call you up and tell you all about it. I want you to care again. I want you to listen and be happy for me and/or tell me some comforting words just because you want me to be happy. I want what we had before. You were my fucking angel and I loved you so much. I still do. I still do... I think I always will because you were such a HUGE part of my life. You changed my life. Sometimes for the worse, but that's okay. I regret some of the things I said. I regret some of the things I did. I regret making things hard for you. I never intended to hurt you. Ever. I want you to know that. And you do know that. You've always know it. I just don't know why you won't let me into your life again. I'm sorry I miss you so fucking much. I'm sorry I need you here again. I'm sorry I can't tell you because you probably wouldn't care. I'm sorry I still love you. I can't help it. You were my angel. I made a picture of you as an angel in paintshop, remember? You've helped me so much and you made a great impact on my life. You were my angel, and I wish you could be my angel again. But right now, I'm not entitled to call you MY angel... I probably won't ever have the right to call you that again, and it makes me so blue. I still remember the first thing I ever said to you. At least I think I do. It was something along the lines of: "Good morning, good day, good evening, good night, or whatever you wanna call it ^^" I remember it, and it was like a year ago. Yeah I think it was almost exactly a year ago. A couple of days, give or take. That's fucking depressing. Almost a year ago we started something wonderful. Something so fucking special. We will never have something like that again, I'm sure. And now it's all in ruins. I remember one of the last times we spoke on the phone. I was learning Damien Rice's "9 Crimes" on the piano and I was talking to you. You were in sthlm and you were waiting for someone at the station or pressbyrån or whatever. You told me you had to hang up, and I said I would play 9 Crimes for you as soon as I learned it properly. I still haven't played and sung it for you. I want to. I really do. When you sent me the song, I remember you told me you'd love to hear me sing it. I want you to hear me sing it. I want to sing it for you, and only you, over the phone. Just like I used to do. I fucking miss you so much. I wish I could tell you. Wish you knew that. I wish you'd call me and tell me you miss me too... I know you miss me, you told me so when me randomly met a couple of months ago. You miss me, and I miss you... but things are still in ruins. Give me some glue, let me pick up the pieces and put our friendship back together. Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you It's thw wrong time... Is that alright with you? Give me gun away when it's loaded Is that alright? If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it? Is that alright with you? I miss you, and I love you. Always will </3 You know that. Du sa den 11/01: nej du är bättre än bäst <3 går inte att bli bättre seriöst har aldrig pratat med någon som med dig förr. du är liksom GOSCH ME LIKE älskar att prata med dig man blir helt lugn man vill aldrig lägga på tiden rinner iväg som regn vuups så är det 12 timmar senare jag tycker du är massa massa underbar du är mitt ljus nu jag känner mig redan gladare jag behövde en carro tack som fan <3 vi behöver varandra vi är som ett stativ faller ena benet faller hela stativet. utan dig så skulle jag bli knäckt jag skulle sitta o slita sönder allt jag har allt på mig själv Du sa den 14/01: "Natti natti underbar <3 väääldigt tomt inatt utan dig :( Jag har saknat dig hela natten. Du är den bästa av alla fan. jag vill typ bo hos dig, vara med dig jämt. Du sviker iaf inte. Lämna mig aldrig de skulle jag typ aldrig klara av. jag lämnar dig aldrig Jag vill ha en kram av carro" Du sa den 13/04 "Vill inte lämna dig såhär. jag vill finnas för dig som du alltid finns för mig. jag, liksom du är värd det. Jag finns för dig, glöm aldrig det Gonatt älsklings Carro <3 finns bara en Carro för mig. Det är du. Love u. I want that again. ängelbilden är den 24 januari i min bdb
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