Monday 1 December 2008 photo 14/14
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LÄS INTE DETTA OM DU INTE HAR ÄTSTÖRNINGAR.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by socalled "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, butyou may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In thecoming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the samefrom you. In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parentstalk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45",and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may Iask? Absolutely no where! You are not perfect, you do not try hardenough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking withfriends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed inthe future.
Your friends do not understand you. They are nottruthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away atyour mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered"Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth.Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, andcare for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents andare obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down insidethemselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the onewith so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeservinggirl.
But I am about to change all that. I will expect you todrop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to thelimit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning toimbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am therewhen you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbersbecome both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for themto be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirrorwith dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile whenyou come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for theday: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out,because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together asone. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wandersI give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day.It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight,calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I amalready inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul.The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.
Prettysoon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALLof the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fatstomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes comearound I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like afeast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you'veeaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat, all the controlwill be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW youonce were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfectskinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at youfrom those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never bethem. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as theyare. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will showyou obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where inreality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, becauseif you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and ourrelationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you willrebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the smallrebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the darkkitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyeswill move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you.You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare,through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in,mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact thatyou are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, thenanother. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you willnot stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fatcow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat.
Whenit is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because youreally do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, andnow you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto yourknees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will beinserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, yourfood binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, untilyou spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you standup, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fatcow you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of theguilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where yousit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling yourinsides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang yourhead into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting isalso effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down yourarm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whateverpain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting,reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares!! You are deserving; youbrought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you not wantthis to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you.I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause youstress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness cancease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodiccalorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids yourage, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, Iam your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please. I have aweak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, toreach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hellwill break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell thatI have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect,achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you arenothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Takeit into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries totake me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it thatway.
Sincerely,
Ana
Kom inte med ett kommentar att detta skulle vara dumt, Folk med ätstörningar tror på detta exakt som jag gör... För det stämmer in!
Your friends do not understand you. They are nottruthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away atyour mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered"Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth.Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, andcare for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents andare obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down insidethemselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the onewith so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeservinggirl.
But I am about to change all that. I will expect you todrop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to thelimit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning toimbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am therewhen you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbersbecome both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for themto be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirrorwith dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile whenyou come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for theday: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out,because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together asone. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wandersI give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day.It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight,calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I amalready inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul.The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.
Prettysoon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALLof the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fatstomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes comearound I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like afeast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you'veeaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat, all the controlwill be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW youonce were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfectskinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at youfrom those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never bethem. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as theyare. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will showyou obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where inreality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, becauseif you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and ourrelationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you willrebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the smallrebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the darkkitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyeswill move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you.You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare,through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in,mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact thatyou are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, thenanother. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you willnot stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fatcow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat.
Whenit is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because youreally do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, andnow you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto yourknees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will beinserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, yourfood binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, untilyou spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you standup, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fatcow you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of theguilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where yousit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling yourinsides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang yourhead into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting isalso effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down yourarm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whateverpain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting,reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares!! You are deserving; youbrought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you not wantthis to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you.I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause youstress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness cancease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodiccalorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids yourage, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, Iam your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please. I have aweak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, toreach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hellwill break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell thatI have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect,achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you arenothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Takeit into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries totake me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it thatway.
Sincerely,
Ana
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