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New Alcatraz 720p
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As a result of a drilling accident, a giant man-eating boa constrictor is released into a maximum security prison in Antarctica.
In the middle of Antarctica, a highly maximum security prison called New Alcatraz is fully operational. When a mining crew inside the prison runs across a strange rock formation. What they don't know is that a giant, violent prehistoric snake is inside the formation. After it breaks out of the formation, the snake goes on a killing rampage inside the prison.To get help, scientists and a group of soldiers must eliminate the snake before it takes over the prison, leaving the humans on the bottom of the chain.
Boa (2001)
* 1/2 (out of 4)
Yet another "Creature Feature" with a silly creature and even sillier characters. This time out the government is in the Antarctic where they are building a new Alcatraz, which is going to hold the world's worst criminals. A notorious terrorist is one of the first six in the prison but it's still under construction when they accidentally dig to deep. Unfortunately for them it unleashes an eighty-foot snake that likes to eat humans. Husband and wife scientists (Dean Cain, Elizabeth Lackey) are called in with a SWAT team to take the beast out. Have you ever been watching a movie and fall asleep only to wake up what you think is a few minutes later and you look back at the TV and you're completely lost because you don't realize that you were actually sleeping a little over two hours and are now in a different movie? I had that feeling watching this movie (also known as NEW ALCATRAZ) because the thing skipped around way too much and had too many characters coming and going. At first we're with those building the prison. We then jump to the terrorist who ends up getting captured. We then jump to the scientist and their marital issues. When then jump to the snake a little bit. When then go back to a prison escape. When then forget the first few story lines and skip to something else. Finally, we get back to the snake but by now we're into the movie a good hour and wishing we could fall asleep. This is yet another horror movie with a bad CGI monster that appears funnier than it is scary. I'm sorry but when you see this large, fake snake you just can't take it too serious and in the end you'll be laughing at it more than anything. Snakes really give me the creeps so it's not good when someone like me isn't bothered by the creature. The characters really aren't any more interesting as they're the stereotypes you'd expect to see in something like this and it doesn't help that Cain is playing a scientist. The death scenes are all extremely weak and poor looking and those wanting the red stuff are going to be disappointed as well. BOA, or whatever title you want to call it, is pretty weak from start to finish so you might as well watch something else (but not PYTHON, which is even worse).
If I was going to build a maximum-security prison I'd build it in Slough, that way the convicts would be safer inside the jail and not try to escape.
But does the American government ever listen to me? No they don't and shame on them! I've emailed George Bush at least a dozen times with my plans for a coal powered time machine and get NO response. If you're reading this George, when I've got it working I'm going back in time and punching a few extra holes in Al Gores cards! I know he'd listen!
But I digress. Anyway you shouldn't build a maximum-security prison in Antarctica because everybody knows there are snakes trapped under the ice there that are 100ft long. But the American government ignores common sense and does it anyway. When will they learn? I mean I saw the plan that they came up with in Deep Impact to stop the comet (which was laughable) and their attempt to capture the Predator in Predator 2 was weak at best, so who comes up with these ideas?
Anyway things go wrong, which I could have told them was going to happen, and a giant snake (surprise, surprise) starts eating people. Luckily Dean Cain shows up. At this point I was pretty sure that everyone was doomed, but plucky Dean and his wife manage to outsmart the snake and save everybody. Well, maybe not everybody. Actually it's just themselves, but the other people were criminals so they deserved death.
So my embiggened marking systems records Boa (as it is called in the UK) as having achieved 7 Gi-ants (which is a combination of two words giant and ants. Gi-ants. Clever eh?) which is a universally acknowledged as being good. The name is accurate and there are some reasonable costumes.
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