August
Wednesday 7 October 2009 photo 1/1
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Level 1-1
Mario: Whoa! Where am I? What the hell is going on? And now I’m walking!
Chris Bucholz: Oh hey dude. That’s just me. I’ve got the stick now, you just relax.
M: I don’t understand! I have no memory of anything until… Whoa! What the hell is that?
CB: Chill dude.
M: Don’t go near that! Don’t go near that! That’s bigger than I am. OHHHHHH SHHHHHIIIT. Gross!
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CB: See? It’s nothing.
M: What was that? That thing that I jumped on. I ki… you killed it! You’re a monster! It wasn’t going to hurt anyone.
CB: No, it’d have killed you. Trust me.
M: Why should I trust you? Who are you? Hey slow down. Don’t jump here! OW!
CB: What? I just got you got a coin. We’ll need that later. Hey, does that hurt?
M: Does smashing a solid metal block with my head hurt? YES IT HURTS, DOCTOR ROCKET GENIUS.
CB: How about this?
M: OW!
CB: So the brick ones hurt too. Huh. They look squishy.
M: Listen jackhole! When I figure… OW!… out who you… OW!… are… OW!… I’m going to- don’t eat that mushroom! Are you crazy? Oh! Oh fuck, yes! I am huge!
CB: Thought you’d like that. Now you want to shut up for a bit?
M: Yeah, yeah, you seem to know what you’re doing. God. I feel fantastic. Look at this shit. I’m jumping like 30 feet in the air. This is sick! Wait till Luigi hears about this.
CB: He can jump higher.
M: What? You are out of your fucking mind. That little stronzo couldn’t jump to save his life.
CB: Well in the accepted canon, he can jump a lot higher and further than you. Though not in this game, I think. I think in this game he’s just got different pants.
M: This is a game?
CB: Yeah. We’re just going to run off here and score some points and save the princess.
M: You sound like you know what you’re doing. You’ve played this game before then… ow!… I take it?
CB: Yeah, but it’s been like 15 years. Just doing it now for work.
M: Bustin’ your hump for the man. I hear that. Hey what’s that? That flowery thing. It looks tasty. I totally want to eat that.
CB: You will definitely like this.
M: Oh rad! Ha ha hahhahahahhahah! Pop pop pop! Take that you little pricks!
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CB: Told ya.
M: Pop! Pop! Pop pop! Hahahahahah!
CB: Heh.
M: Whoa. Did you just kill a turtle? Not cool dude. He looked scared. I could have just jumped over him.
CB: Uh-huh. Or maybe you could have run around him?
M: What’s “around” mean?
CB: Nothing. Just checking something.
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LATER
M: OwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOw. Fucker! So what’s the deal again with all these coins I’m getting?
CB: If we collect a hundred of them, you get an extra life.
M: Cool. Very cool. Followup question: Why would I need an extra life?
CB: Hmmmmmmm.
M: Hmm what?
CB: Hey, check out that flag!
M: Oh cool!
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Level 1-2
M: So these blue guys are just like before, except now they’re blue.
CB: Yeah, exactly the same. We’re dealing with a pretty limited palette I’m afraid.
M: Oh! Careful! Watch the turtle! OW OW OW OW OW OW!
CB: Shit. Sorry dude.
M: You fucking dumbass! That really hurt! And now I’m tiny again? How does that work?
CB: It’s cool. I’ll be careful.
M: Oh you’ll be better than careful. You’re going to murder every turtle you see from now on. I mean it. Turtle holocaust. Go.
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LATER
CB: Hey, how do you feel about warping?
M: I don’t know what that means.
CB: It means we get to skip a bunch of levels. Beat the game faster.
M: Will we bypass any turtles?
CB: Oh yeah. Bunches of them.
M: No deal. Those guys have to go.
CB: OK, no warping. Let’s do this old school.
M: Old school!
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Level 1-4
M: Jesus Christ, where did all this lava come from? How deep do these pipes go?
CB: This is a boss level. They like lava. It’s kind of a cliche now, but this was pretty cutting edge in 1985. I guess lava is more intimidating?
M: Damn right it’s more intimidating. Careful!
CB: Relax, this is an easy one. I haven’t even died yet.
M: What?
CB: Nothing.
M: No, seriously, what did you just say?
CB: Can’t talk now.
M: Whoa! Look at the size of that bastard! Let’s jump on him!
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CB: Not a good plan.
M: Holy shit! He’s shooooooooting at us!
CB: Hang on.
M: Don’t land on that axe! That’s gonna kill! Hey. What just happened?
CB: You won dude. Congrats.
M: Boss!
CB: Now run in there and meet the princess!
M: Yeah!
CB: -
M: Who’s this little turd?
CB: Heh heh heh heh heh.
M: Oh you bastard.
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Level 2-1
CB: Oops.
M: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
M: What the hell happened? I was falling into a bottomless pit and now I’m back out here.
CB: Oh, so you can remember what happened. I was wondering about that.
M: Did I… die?
CB: Total accident dude. Sorry. Did that hurt?
M: Physically? No. I don’t think so. But that was terrifying. Like my brain was just sundered in two. It feels like I’m still screaming. Like I’ll never stop screaming.
CB: Bummer dude. Well, we’ve got three lives left. Let’s go.
M: What? Wait! We’re going to keep going?
CB: Can’t turn back. See?
M: Wow. Where’d everything behind us go?
CB: Excellent question.
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Level 3-1
CB: Oh, I remember this bit.
M: What bit?
CB: Hang on. We can get a whole bunch of extra lives here.
M: Yes I see the point of those now. Let’s definitely get a whole bunch of those. How do we do that?
CB: You jump on that turtle there about a hundred times or so.
M: Fuck that turtle. Let’s fuck up his whole day.
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Level 4-2
M: Seriously, I’m going to kill the next guy that lives in a princess-less castle.
CB: Heh. Yeah, they’re notorious. Hey, has your attitude towards warping changed? We’re coming up on another one.
M: Fuck this noise. Let’s hit it.
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Level 8-4
CB: I said I’m sorry all right? The eighth world is fucking hard!
M: You know what’s hard? Plummeting into bottomless pits, getting beaned by a dozen hammer throwing cocksuckers and having bullets the size of a car smash into your face. How about you take all the dicks out of your mouth, and then stop killing me?
CB: Hey. It’s not that simple, ass. You have any idea how floaty the controls are on 25-year-old video games? You handle like a fucking post office.
M: Oh this is my fault is it? Well maybe if your parents weren’t twins your thumbs wouldn’t come out of your wrists.
CB: Hey? You know what? Fuck this. I’ve beaten this game a billion times before. I’ve got enough material for this column. See ya later chump.
M: Fine with me penis-sheathe. Better off without you.
CB: Oh yeah? Hey, how’d you like it if this masking tape played for awhile?
M: What?
CB: Yeah? See that lava over there? How’d you’d like to run into that 82 times in a row? -tapes down button on controller-
M: YOU BASTARD!
CB: Hahahahahahahhahah -walks out of room-
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LATER
M: ARGHAAAHHHHSFHGDN
CB: -eating nachos, laughing- HA HA HAhahahahahhahahahahh.
M: Whoa. Did you just kill a turtle? Not cool dude. He looked scared. I could have just jumped over him.
M: So these blue guys are just like before, except now they’re blue.
CB: Now run in there and meet the princess!
Level 3-1
CB: Yeah? See that lava over there? How’d you’d like to run into that 82 times in a row? -tapes down button on controller-
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