January
Thursday 8 May 2008 photo 1/1
|
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I am now going to take a few minutes of your time to
talk about one of the nastiest, most horrible and most meaningless substances
on earth. It is becoming a bigger and bigger problem, as we can almost no
longer go outside without seeing some trace of this unpleasant thing. It
detests our every-day-life, and as I’m sure many of you have figured out, of
course I’m talking about liqourice.
<p style="line-height: normal;">When it comes to who is to blame for
this so called candy’s existence, we can blame the inhabitants of Pontefract in
Yorkshire, because that is the place where liquorice mixed with sugar first
began to be used as a sweet in the same way as in the modern day.
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The liqourice taste originally comes from the roots of a plant called Glycurrhiza glabra, from which a sweet flavor can be extracted. This plant is related to beans and peas, which gives us additional insight to why it tastes so badly.
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The word liquorice is derived from the ancient Greek words for sweet root. But if you ask me, it is a poorly named root, since there is nothing sweet about it – it’s just disgusting.
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In the United Kingdom, the liquorice allsorts are very popular, but in continental Europe, far stronger and saltier candies are preferred. However, as I’m sure many of you will agree neither of these should even be allowed to refer to as candy. Candy is supposed to taste good, whereas liqourice is more a way to torture someone and should be considered as an optional punishment to death in the United States. Though the humanity of the act of forcing liqourice on someone should be investigated before this, as should the ways in which to protect the guards having to handle this atrocious substance.
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">However, liqourice is also found in some drinks, such as root beer and some herbal teas, which are also to avoid for any sane human being. The latter should also avoid going to the Netherlands, where youths have a horrifying habit of making what they call Dropwater, which is water with liquorice in it, and they also tend to drink a liquorice based liqueur called Dropshot. Other countries to avoid are Italy and Spain, where people sometimes are as stupid as to take a piece of a washed root, and just chew it as a mouth-freshener. You should also avoid China altogether, because there they tend to hide liquorice in food disguised as a culinary spice. Maybe the best thing to do would be to just stay in your house and hide from the big black beast-like object.
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Furthermore, liqouorice does not only detest candy bags, drinks and food nowadays – it has spread its disease to ice cream. Everywhere we go, we see these big posters of the so-called hockey-puck.
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as if the nasty taste of the liquorice would not be enough, it also smells worse than rotten eggs, and anyone who has lost their mind long enough to eat this revolting substance within the last year, should be put into quarantine because of their nasty breath.
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And even the horrible taste and smell isn’t enough. The black colour makes it the ugliest so-called candy available, and frankly it’s depressing even to look at.
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> And to top all this, <span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">excessive consumption of liquorice is known to be toxic to the liver and cardiovascular system, and may produce hypertension and <span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">edema<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. <span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">
<p style="line-height: normal;">As a result, and I assume you all agree with my decision, liquorice will now be banned. All liquorice plantages will be burned down, and anyone who produces liqourice even though this law has been instated will be either banned from Earth or put in the electric chair. If a particular case is really bad, they may even be forced to eat their own liquorice! <p style="line-height: normal;">Thank you!
Visa toppen
Show footer