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[List] 101 Things France Is Not Allowed to Do During World Meetings

Character(s) or Pairing(s): France/everyone but specifically: France/England, France/Russia.
Rating: NC-17/M
Warnings: Other than France? Hard core sexuality references, several of which are blisteringly gross/off color. France/everyone, mention of incest (if you count Lithuania/Latvia/Estonia as incest), an imperialist reference and a reference to France under Nazi control in World War II that may not be funny to some. Seriously, if you can think of something to warn for, it's probably in here.
Summary: Um, what the title says.

1. Angleterre is not my cock warmer.
2. If Angleterre punches me for telling everyone that he is, I have no one to blame but myself.
3. I am not allowed to bring Pierre to meetings now.
4. For some reason, Switzerland does not find my having taught him to say “Can I polish your gun, big boy?” amusing.
5. I will not attempt to auction Italy off to Russia.
6. Or to do anything to Italy when Germany is around.
7. (That man was constipated enough when he invaded my territories—he didn’t even try to grope me!—and he’s only getting worse with time.)
8. My love-stick is not bigger than Prussia’s. Even though it is
9. It is also not the Eiffel Tower.
10. No one wants to see a demonstration of this.
11. Except for Hungary and Russia, who are both even more perverted than I am.
12. (Apparently that is possible.)
13. Arguing about whose wine is better, mine or Italy’s, will probably result in Italy’s tears.
14. And mine, after Germany punches me.
15. (Germany is, apparently, not getting laid enough by that boy.)
16. (I could fix this, but suggesting that would be suicide.)
17. Speaking of which, inquiries about rumors of Germany and Italy’s BDSM experiments will be met with silence.
18. And possibly Germany’s boot in my face.
19. (Not that I don’t find this kinky.)
20. Ukraine’s breasts are not free-range.
21. So says Belarus’ knife.
22. Grabbing Korea’s ‘breasts’ will just confuse him.
23. And derail the meeting for an hour while he complains to China.
24. Whose ‘breasts’ are not now nor were ever my sphere of influence.
25. Latvia is too young for me.
26. So says Lithuania’s medieval sword.
27. (Why does he still have that thing?)
28. Calling Angleterre a fairy who is friends with fairies is not only hypocritical, but confusing, given our collective sexuality.
29. Randomly prodding Angleterre’s forehead with my pen is crude.
30. (And even cruder when I use my other pen. Ohohohoho!)
31. I am not allowed to refer to Angleterre as my wife.
32. "But Sweden does with Finland!" is not enough justification.
33. Flaunting the marriage certificate I almost forced got him to sign is not sufficient justification, either.
34. A field trip to the Pigalle district is not an appropriate outing when it is my turn to host a meeting.
35. Especially if Sealand and Latvia come along.
36. If Sealand wonders why he can’t ask the “pretty lady in the window why she doesn’t have any pants,” I will pay for his therapy bill.
37. Lithuania is not a high class prostitute.
38. Even though he has put out for America, Poland, Prussia, Russia and both of his brothers.
39. Which is actually really hot.
40. Napoleon was not representative of my military or sexual prowess.
41. Reminding Angleterre that he would have conquered his vital regions if Austria hadn’t shaken his ass around is not good to do when Angleterre is having his period.
42. Which he does. Frequently.
43. Despite Estonia’s insistence that this is anatomically impossible.
44. Prussia, Spain and I may get together and relive our glory days as the “Bad Friends Trio,” all we like—so long as we don’t do so during meetings.
45. Specifically when Angleterre is talking.
46. (Which we only do to shut out the boring sound of his voice.)
47. We are also not allowed to drink during meetings.
48. (Which is difficult, because there is really no other way to tolerate America’s presentations.)
49. Austria does not have a stick up his ass.
50. Or need a stick up his ass.
51. So says Hungary’s frying pan.
52. Asking America to pay me back for the Louisiana Purchase when he asks if anyone has anything to add is a breach of protocol.
53. So says Roberts Rules of Order.
54. (Which I haven’t read, because there are no amusing pictures.)
55. Asking him to pay me back by wearing a maid’s outfit, coming to my room and bending over as he dusts the dresser is not an appropriate request to make during a meeting.
56. Especially because Sealand will then ask, “Hey, Jerk England? Why does France want America to dress up like a lady and clean his hotel room?”
57. Actually, I’m going to pay for Sealand’s therapy bill no matter what I do or do not do.
58. I will not ask Angleterre to conjure up an Elder God for my Halloween party.
59. Especially a horny Elder God with tentacles.
60. Whenever Angleterre curses me, I had it coming.
61. (Angleterre also has it coming.)
62. (And it coming.)
63. (Nobody appreciates French humor.)
64. I will not grope Romano just to hear him scream and run to Spain for protection.
65. I will not then ask if I can watch Spain “protect” him.
66. So says Spain’s conquistador sword.
67. (What’s the deal with all of this sword play, I ask you?)
68. (Could it be that everyone but me is attempting to over compensate for something?)
69. I will not ask Hungary and Ukraine to wrestle in chocolate pudding in order to solve diplomatic crises.
70. Because the two aren’t having a diplomatic crisis.
71. Bringing up economic disputes from a decade ago does not make my point.
72. Poland and Lithuania aren’t women.
73. Or lesbians.
74. I’m still not allowed to pay them to kiss.
75. Calling Angleterre “my little floppy-eared bunny” is grounds for a cursing.
76. Or grounds for him setting Russia on me.
77. (Russia is really creepy when he stares at you and says “Jiiiiiiiiiii.”)
78. (He’s great in bed, though.)
79. (Especially when he uses his pipe.)
80. (Yes, like that.)
81. I did not invent sex.
82. My sex ed presentation was not an acceptable substitute for my report on my economic situation.
83. It was also obscene.
84. And traumatizing for Sealand, Latvia and Japan.
85. It was not funny when America asked me what a “con-damn” was.
86. Or when Angleterre threw up.
87. Russia’s copious note taking was also cause for alarm.
88. If the world will not become one with Russia, it will definitely not become one with me.
89. The name of my newest dildo is not “Brittany.”
90. It also does not fit “perfectly” within Angleterre.
91. Also, the space between Kent and Essex is not his “back door.”
92. Using the theory of plate tectonics is not an acceptable justification for any of these ideas.
93. His dildo is also not named “Cornwall.”
94. Making America laugh after saying this was inappropriate, because it lead to an hour of him trying to guess what his dildo’s name would be.
95. I should not have laughed when he said “Lake Michigan.”
96. Or when he offered to give Lake Michigan to Canada.
97. (Who is probably still a virgin, no matter what Russia says.)
98. (I don’t know why I never took care of that.)
99. My bedroom antics with Angleterre are not fodder for an “interesting slide show.”
100. Even though he enjoys exhibitionism, the filthy little thing.
101. This list can be added to at any time.

Annons

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februari 2011