for some reason i got thinking because i feel like i screwed up so bad and i'm not blaming anyone but myself.
Overthinking? maybe, but i think i did wrong and i know i say sorry a lot but i rather say it then keep it stuck in there forever and just stock it up, i don't want to deal with that anymore.

This a gonna be a lot of ramble so you don't have to read any of this.

I usually think way to much and can't be decisive about what's right and what's wrong to think, because i try to help everyone in ways i cannot, i try to be there for everyone but i cannot and i know that i do it without being asked but it's because i care, whatever happens i want to make everyone just somehow feel better about themself but recently i've notice, that i just make stuff worse and the funny thing is that i know why, i don't have people skills, can't talk, read or understand how people work, i just can't and i hate it because i want to talk to people i love talking, but whenever i try to i just get stuck, unless it's games i feel like i really have nothing to talk about at all.
Which is why i make so many lame comments or joke or make fun of myself so many times becuase it's the only reason to get a reaction or something.
I'm not an intreressting man, i think way too much, i'm slow in the head or i just space out way too much. i'm an embarrassing joke walking around, i'm confused so very confused with everything, i'm a inconsiderate bastard, i'm no gentleman, i'm not a good friend, i can't be with all these fucking thoughts on my head, can't handle school like i should, can't handle jobs and i have no fucking disease to stop me from it, the only thing keeping me down is my own stupid mentality, i don't know what i want anymore or what i need, i make the weirdest decisions, have the strangest humor and no sense of logic at all.
I know saying this is stupid but i don't comfortable being big anymore, i feel disgusting, i sweat like a pig, eat like one too and i just can't help it, my lazyness is just to frigging much.
the only thing i've always had a reason to feel good is because i feel strong, like there is nothing that can push me down, but i have nothing to protect besides my family, which not even that i can take care of.
I need something to hold on to, but everytime i try to get something it just pushes away from me and i drop, i have so many times now and i really feel like i want to stop rising, because what's the point?
I want patch my life together but i don't know where to start, i thought of dissapearing and get away, be a little more selfish.
Because after reading all of this, to know what i think of all the time i somehow doubt that anyone would try to look for me and i think i need to do so because as i am now, i can't be support for anyone, i can't be what i want to be and i can't make anyone happy at all, not without hurting myself for it and if i don't dissapear i will go cold, i'm gonna realease myself from my thoughts and speak what i truly feel, without care for anyone and i don't want that but it's the 2 options i've got if i ever gonna continue forward.
But i don't know what i will choose, when this coming week ends i don't know where i will be.
Unless i find another way, another reason to keep on forward i don't know what i might do.
Basically i just want to dissapear and fix myself, because i hate who i am, i don't want to fake smile anymore i want a reason to really smile, i want to take out my rage because talking about won't help, i want to cry myself out and start anew, i want something to protect, i want someone.
I know i'm not alone, but i feel like that and the only person that dosen't make feel like that is someone i can't reach.
You know what i thought of lately too? what if i was in the hospital would i get anything attention at all? i mean maybe since i'm there for a reason and maybe everyone would feel somewhat somwthing, but it has to be a really good reason like broken arms or legs or maybe cancer, yeah that would be something.
Or maybe get into a fight, get that rage over and maybe even get into the news and all, yeah i know i wouldn't last much in a fight afterall being all slow and stuff hahaha.
But laying the hospital feels like a good escape, no? i mean i could sit there and watch grey's or anything else, maybe not play if i can't move my hands unless i play with my feet! : D
I don't know, maybe i'm just crazy, well all these thought are pretty crazy so yeah i'm probably crazy, maybe i can get in for that? hahahaha yeah!
Hospital for being crazy, bad shoulder and bad muscle build.
Maybe i'm too honest about everyhing, but i eh don't really care atm, i just want to let it out.
Besides, getting high, getting drunked or sobbed yourself to sleep is really not the best way to go, see if i new anything about how feelings really work, what thougts are really the "best" to choose, i wouldn't be writting this and as for now i don't really care if i get hated for whatever i've said, i just need to let go.
I need to learn who i am really, what i like, how i am, just need to know myself better and maybe everything will change but i don't want to be confused anymore, i want to be sure, i want to know what i am doing all the time, to be councious of all my decisions and mistakes, because everyone who knows "me" know that i fail alot and that i'm not a people person or a good friend.
I want to have honesty from everyone no matter how hard it is or rude or whatsoever but i need honesty, because i need learn how to speak honestly myself, i've lied so much and maybe that's why i keep hurting myself mentally all the time, yes i do in case you didn't know because i see it as a way to prepare myself for the worst all the time but all that happens is that i get stone cold and stop being somewhat sympathetic.
You know it feels so good to say all of this but at the same time it's feels so frigging bad and i don't if it's pathetic or brave, because unless i really do something this won't change a thing.
I won't be loved, i won't be pitied, i won't be supported i will be left alone for awhile because naturally that feels like the best thing to do right now, because like me not everyone has the words to say and i don't blame anyone, i never speak much about self, not that many ask of if but i understand.
I probably wouldn't speak to myself iether being all this depressed and shit, i should be happy so very frigging happy but i'm not, i just feel empty and don't care anymore, to whoever is reading this i know it's just my wanting to be noticed side saying that it's fine if you don't say anything because there is really nothing to say, so it's fine.

So i don't know where to go from here, what will happen of me, but i need to change and i have to let go of it all.
So i'm sorry, if my honesty towards anyone changes.

hope you have a good day, end of ramble

Annons

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Sam Fri 28 Feb 2014 02:55

You know what this sounds like to me? That you have it good. It is only when you have it good that you can start nitpicking on such fine details (you can read up on it, Maslow's hierarchy of needs http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs)

And that's why when you get too comfortable, and you have nothing to do, and don't know what you should do, and that is when it becomes uncomfortable. It's like beating a game, or reading the end of a book. "What do I do now?". And that's most often when people replace an addiction with another one.

One thing that concerns me is reading that you'd rather be injured, and getting attention from it, than being what you are now. Trust me, you don't want to be injured, nor do you need to, in order to get affection, and feel like you're worth something. That's not the way to go.

That's when you actually oversee everything you have. Look at other people. Especially disabled ones. Like this guy for instance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKTg_INHgpc

You never know the worth of something, until you lose it. That's why people like him are the happiest, and why they make most of their life. Because they know the worth of it.

So remember, everyone have equal chances, and even if you don't have, like the guy in the clip, life is in the end what you make of it.

I wish you the best of luck, mate.

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Sam Fri 28 Feb 2014 02:59

And remember, you're never alone.

Just think of it. A complete stranger just read your whole text, put some thought into it, and put further a couple minutes just to try and respond, and cheer you up.

You're never alone :)

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Darovaec Fri 28 Feb 2014 03:52

I read and still reading on it, but yeah i think this is it.
Thank you for showing this, i didn't know about this.

In a way yes, maybe i'm thinking wrong but if it was like that by now i would have done much more, i have goals, i just have problem finding the starting point.

Look that is, it's just a stupid thought, i won't go that far but i get what you mean and i just feel stupid, because i overthink too much and i let my fantasy take over, which sometimes takes over the line or maybe there just something wrong with me.

I've seen lots of people like him and nick is just wonderful, he is an inspiration.
I think if anything, if the thought of hurting myself probably has the side of wanting attention, it has the thought of putting myself in nearly such a condition just to know how it feels.

Yeah, that is true.
Gotta now how to value what's most important in your life.

Gotta try to create your own fate, i think so atleast.
whatever comes against yah.

Gonna, give you this as respond and i will continue to search further into this, feels like i really need it. ^^

Well i appreciate it, really i do it's been a weird week, so i appreciate this and i've felt comfortable so thank you for taking the time, thank you mate :)

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Sam Fri 28 Feb 2014 03:55

No problem man, you can always send me a PM and talk to me if you need to :)

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Darovaec Fri 28 Feb 2014 04:02

Thanks mate :)

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Darovaec Mon 10 Mar 2014 15:27

This is a bit random but, besides maslow theory i have found that i might have A.D.D, would that explain how i feel aswell?

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