juni
lördag 3 maj 2008 bild 1/17
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Om du någongång skulle vilja läsa något helt otroligt.
Sacred.
Tom was ill. Fatally ill. He had cancer, but it had been diagnosed too late. He had been given three months to live. I spent every afternoon and evening by his side, until I had to go home, because I had school in the morning. But when there wasn't any school I spent all of my time at his bedside, clutching his hand and listening to him ramble on about this and that. I never let him saw me cry because I knew he didn't like it. He'd always wipe my tears away and whisper 'Don't cry Billa, nothing is worth your tears.' So I waited until I was alone, curled up in my bed at home until I let my tears flow down my cheeks. It had been two weeks since the doctor had given him three months, and it was a Friday, which meant I could stay with him all night. His face was pale and he was weak, but he still joked and laughed. He still had his dreadlocks, because they hadn't given him chemotherapy. They knew he was going to die anyway.
He smiled at me from his hospital bed.
"Billa?" he said, his eyes sparkling with tears.
I nodded.
"Yeah?" I smiled, squeezing his hand.
"You look really beautiful today." he nodded, looking to the bottom of his bed.
I blushed, smiling wider.
"I don't have any make up on." I muttered, wrinkling my nose.
He looked back up at me.
"Exactly." he smirked, reaching his free hand up to my face and gently running his finger along my jawline. I shivered. "Cold?" he asked, cocking his head to the side.
I shook my head.
"No, it was just you." I grinned, and he shook his head, smiling. He knew what I meant, I knew he did.
We didn't normally talk about how much we loved eachother. I knew he loved me anyway, and he knew I loved him. Unspoken words passed between us in silences and that was enough for both of us.
Tom's remaining time was drifting through my fingers like smoke. Impossible to catch with your bare hands. The tighter I held on to him, the quicker he faded away. I needed the rest of my life with my brother, not less than three months.
I remember when the doctor told me. I had screamed at him, thrown all sorts of things at him and trashed his office. I had yelled at him that Tom was only sixteen, far too young to die from cancer. I had caused quite a commotion. But it didn't help anything. My twin was still going to die, and I had been forced to accept it.
Two months left.
"Billa, I don't want to die." Tom was crying. So was I.
"I don't want you to either." I sobbed, both of my hands squeezing Tom's.
"Promise me I can die with you beside me?" we both began crying harder.
"Of course Tomi." I pulled him close to me, hugging him tightly, my hands buried in his dreads, his hands rubbing my back.
I had already decided in my head - after Tom died, I would just let myself fade away. Life wouldn't be the same after he had gone. So I thought I'd either kill myself or wait for death to come. Tom didn't want me to, of course, but I told him that I couldn't live without him. So he stopped talking about it.
"When I die, I'll be buried right next to you. We'll be together for the rest of eternity." I smiled, lacing my fingers with his. It was dark, I was lying with Tom beside him on the hospital bed.
He nodded.
"I'd like that. I'll wait for you in heaven." he said thoughtfully, searching my face for a certain negative emotion. I'm sure he found a few, but he didn't want to ruin the moment.
"I won't leave you waiting for too long." I smirked.
He shook his head.
"Don't wish your life away, Billa. Life is too precious." he frowned.
I blushed.
"I'm sorry." I sniffed, knowing it was a tender subject with him.
We fell asleep that way, our limbs tangled together, our lips merely centimetres apart. I woke up feeling his breath on my lips and seeing his eyes gazing into mine.
The summer holidays came, with only a month and a half left of my brother's life. He would die close to our birthday.
"At least I'll live for the summer. We'll make it a good summer, won't we, Billa?" he smiled, watching me.
I nodded, holding his hand.
"Of course we will."
Summer seemed like it would be a chore, but when it actually started happening around me, I realised that it was like every other summer I had lived with my brother. We spent all of our time together, laughing, making a fool out of ourselves and stuffing our faces with junk food. I very rarely left his bedside, I didn't want to miss a single second of his life.
"I love it when you don't wear make up." he grinned, tears still in his eyes from laughing too hard
"Don't go on about it, I feel naked." I wrinkled my nose and he burst out laughing again, and, naturally, I eventually joined in.
Our friends visited him. Andreas, Gustav, Georg. A few girls that had admired him from afar at school. It was quite depressing, really, as all of the girls were in tears, and when they left, so was Tom.
"Why didn't I pay more attention to them at school? I knew they liked me, why didn't I do anything about it?" he sobbed, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. I hugged him, feeling his tears staining my shirt.
"Don't cry." I said simply, and within a few minutes, his tears had ceased, and he seemed calm. I could see past it. "I'm here for you, Tomi. I'll be here until the end."
"Thanks, Billa. You have no idea how much that means to me." he smiled, reaching up to me and tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. I smiled back at him, admiring the simplicity and beauty of his smile.
"I wonder if you age in heaven." I muttered thoughtfully. Tom laughed and found my hand, squeezing it lightly.
"Why?" he smirked.
"Because I want you to look as beautiful as you look now forever." I said quietly, blushing. He grinned and covered his face with his hands, a blush evident from the strips of skin he couldn't hide.
Time was running out. One month left until I would lose my brother.
I was sitting at the end of his bed, fiddling with the bottom of his pyjama pants, thinking.
"Billa, can you bring my guitar here? And my sketchpad." he asked. I wondered why he would want them, but I figured it was for sentimental reasons, so I didn't ask questions. I ran home that night and returned with his favourite acoustic guitar and his sketchpad that was full of drawings.
"Tomi, I'm so sorry, I'm not going to be able to stay here with you for a couple of days." I whimpered after handing him his things. I was almost crying.
"Why?" he frowned, holding his arms out to me.
I curled up on his lap and sighed into his shoulder.
"Mama said I should give you some time by yourself." I pouted.
Tom nodded.
"That might be best, but I'll miss you." he kissed my forehead.
"I'll miss you too."
The two days I was away from Tom were torture. I sat at home, writing furiously in my diary, not eating, barely talking. Mama would come into my room and talk to me, try and get me to say how I felt. But I wouldn't tell anyone other than Tomi. Time stretched by slowly and I couldn't stop thinking about Tom. What if there had been a malfunction at the hospital? What if he would be gone by the time I get back? I was lying on my bed. It was very late, about two o'clock. But I couldn't sleep. I had to stay awake in case something happened and I missed it.
Much to my dismay, I found myself falling asleep if I stopped concentrating for more than a minute. I was tired with stress and worry, but I was forcing myself to stay awake. Naturally, I slept until Mama said I could go back to Tom.
I burst into his room and beamed.
"Tomi!" I squealed, jumping on his bed and hugging him tightly.
He was giggling over my shoulder.
"I missed you so much, Billa." I could tell from his voice that he was smiling.
I leant back slightly and kissed his cheek, nuzzling into his shoulder.
"I missed you too." I sighed, breathing deeply in his scent.
People visited him more often, a few people a day, and I found my time with him was being reduced. I liked seeing the smile on his face when he saw his friends coming to visit him, though, and if Tomi was happy then so was I. He played his guitar more often aswell, strumming out little riffs while we were chatting. I used to watch his fingers as he played, mesmerised by his talent.
"There'll be a chance for us to make music together before I go, Billa, don't you worry." he smiled, watching me stare at his fingers when he was playing one day. I frowned, wondering what he meant, but from the look on his face I knew I should just wait to see what he meant.
We were sitting on his bed, late one night. There wasn't much time left, about a week. We were watching the moon and the stars out of the large window. I had helped him to stand up and here we were, leaning against the window, our arms wrapped tightly around eachother.
"Will you be up there, watching me?" I asked him, so quietly I thought he hadn't heard me.
"Yeah Billa, I'll be protecting you. You'll see a bright star, really bright, standing out more than the others. And it'll be me, telling you I love you and that I wish I was with you." he breathed, and I began crying. I didn't let him see my face at first, but he pulled away from me and I saw his heart melt when his eyes rested on my tear-stained face. He kissed my tears away, stroking my hair.
"No more tears, I promise." I smiled, hugging him tightly.
He nodded.
"You're allowed to when it happens." he whispered, and I smiled, feeling relieved. I wouldn't be able to keep my tears from falling when that happened.
We spent his remaining time together, holding eachother and whispering words of comfort when one of us was reduced to tears. It was his last day, and the sun was setting.
"Hand me my guitar, Billa." he smiled, holding out his hand. I picked it up and handed it to him. He tuned it quickly and strummed a few testing chords, before turning back to me. "Now take my sketchpad and find the last page I'd written on." he pointed at the pad on his bedside table and I picked it up, leafing through the pages. There were many drawings of me, and quite a few of me and Tomi together. I smiled in pride when I saw these, stopping when I'd came across the last page he'd used. "Read it." he said. It was titled 'Sacred', and it was a song. The words were beautiful, my heart was wrenching when I read them. The tune was scrawled underneath the words.
"What are we going to do, Tomi?" I asked, frowning.
"I'm going to play it and I want you to sing it. I wrote it for you." he smiled, embarassed.
I nodded enthusiastically, and he began to play. I waited for my cue.
"I'm still awake for you,
We won't make it together, we can't hide the truth.
I'm giving up for you now,
My final wish will guide you out
before the ocean breaks apart underneath me.
Remember, to me you'll be forever sacred,
I'm dying but I know our love will live."
Tears began falling down my face and I struggled to keep my voice steady. I needed to sing better than I'd ever sang before, because this was for my brother.
"Your hand above, like a dove, over me,
Remember, to me you'll be forever sacred.
You break the ice when you speak,
With every breath you take, you save me.
I know that one day, we'll meet again,
Try to go on as long as you can even w
hen the ocean breaks apart underneath you."
Tom was crying now, his tears falling on his guitar as if they were blending with the music.
"Remember, to me you'll be forever sacred,
I'm dying but I know our love will live.
Your hand above, like a dove, over me,
Remember, to me you'll be forever sacred.
Forever you, forever sacred.
Forever you, you'll be sacred.
In your eyes, I feel the hope I once knew,
I'm sinking, I'm sinking, away from you."
Tom's sobs were joining the song now but it didn't ruin it, not in the slightest. It only made it more meaningful to me
"Don't turn around, you'll see,
You can make it, never forget,
To me you'll be forever sacred,
I'm dying but I know our love will live.
Your hand above, like a dove, over me,
And one day, your feet will guide you back to me.
Remember, to me you'll be forever sacred.
To me you'll be forever sacred."
As the song finished, Tom dropped his guitar beside him and I threw myself at him, hugging him tightly. We sobbed heavily onto eachother's shoulders, clinging to eachother for dear life. He pulled away and placed his hands either side of my face, gazing into my eyes.
"I want you to remember this moment, Billa, because it meant more to me than you'll ever know, and as long as I'm with you, and as long as I heard you sing that song, my life is complete." he said, his voice cracking with emotion.
I pressed my lips lightly against his, joining us in a gentle and innocent kiss. His hands remained on my face and I slid my hands up onto his chest, feeling his heartbeat, willing it not to stop. It would be the last night I would have to stay in the hospital, and the thought was horrible.
"I love you Billa." he said. We were both still crying.
"I love you too, Tomi. And I promise you, I'll never forget this night." I smiled, clutching his hands.
He was paler than ever before, and he was shaking.
"I'm going to die soon Bill." he breathed, trembling furiously in my hands.
I nodded.
"I know." I sobbed, squeezing his fingers tighter than I ever had before.
"Be strong, babe." he smiled, lying back on the pillow.
I lay beside him and we held eachother gently, afraid that if we held to tight, the other would dissolve in our hands.
That night, my brother died in my arms. I kissed his cold lips one last time, tucked the covers around him tightly, and leant my head close to his, my tears brushing off onto his face.
"I love you so much, my beautiful angel." I whispered, before I left him forever.
Annons
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Anonym
lö 24 maj 2008 23:37
alltså allvarligt, det här var det finaste jag läst, jag är känslig, men nu började jag fan gråta vid typ 3e meningen :* Så jävla vackert<3
MissJackson
lö 24 maj 2008 23:38
ååh du läste :') <3
ja asså detta är helt klart en av de största favoriterna jag har.
jag grät genom hela denna. och kunde ver5kligen inte sluta. hela mitt tagenbord gick sönder första gången jag läste denna, eftersom jag grät så mycket xD
ja asså detta är helt klart en av de största favoriterna jag har.
jag grät genom hela denna. och kunde ver5kligen inte sluta. hela mitt tagenbord gick sönder första gången jag läste denna, eftersom jag grät så mycket xD
MissJackson
ons 7 maj 2008 19:22
Jaså :) ?
men jag föredrar att läsa på engelska :)
tycker det är bättre :)
men jag föredrar att läsa på engelska :)
tycker det är bättre :)
Anonym
lö 3 maj 2008 13:23
jag känner mig såå himlans taskig, men jag orkar inte läsa (AAAA) de e på engelska (AAAAA) hehehehehehhe va dum annie är FY PÅ DIG ANNIE FYYYY!!!! :O:O:O
Men de va en jädrans söt bild :D:D:D:D<33
Men de va en jädrans söt bild :D:D:D:D<33
MissJackson
lö 3 maj 2008 13:24
awwwwwee<3333
men deu behöver inte läsa annie :)
det var ju OM man ville :D:D:D:D:D<333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
när jag läser den gråter jag mer än vad jag brukar till sånna berätterseer:O
OMG!!!!!! <3
jag älska älsakälsakälskaäöslklar den ! :D:D:D:D::D:D:D:D:D
SJUKT SÖT BILD!!!!!!!!!!!
men deu behöver inte läsa annie :)
det var ju OM man ville :D:D:D:D:D<333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
när jag läser den gråter jag mer än vad jag brukar till sånna berätterseer:O
OMG!!!!!! <3
jag älska älsakälsakälskaäöslklar den ! :D:D:D:D::D:D:D:D:D
SJUKT SÖT BILD!!!!!!!!!!!
sonnenschein
lö 3 maj 2008 10:11
SÅ underbar.. JAG HAR EN SEX FF TILL DIG!
den riktiga guitar lesson. den är kort och dom
typ håller bara på lite... .__.'
den riktiga guitar lesson. den är kort och dom
typ håller bara på lite... .__.'
MissJackson
lö 3 maj 2008 10:12
Jaa Jag älskar den här 8)<3
den är såå.. omg.
aldrig har jag bölat så mycket pågrund av en berättelse som jag gör när jag läser den här.
helt. omg<3
OMG:O HAR DU !`??!?!?!??!?!??
du MÅÅSTE skicka :D:D: AHHAHHA :D:D:D::D:D:D:
måste (A)
MIIIIIIIIWIIIIIII D:D:D::D:D:D:!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D::D!!!!!
om jag inte redan läst den (A)?
jag har läst många på internet.
men jag TROR INTE JAG LÄST DEN DU PRATAR OM!!! :D:D:D
OMG!
skicka :D:D:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
den är såå.. omg.
aldrig har jag bölat så mycket pågrund av en berättelse som jag gör när jag läser den här.
helt. omg<3
OMG:O HAR DU !`??!?!?!??!?!??
du MÅÅSTE skicka :D:D: AHHAHHA :D:D:D::D:D:D:
måste (A)
MIIIIIIIIWIIIIIII D:D:D::D:D:D:!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D::D!!!!!
om jag inte redan läst den (A)?
jag har läst många på internet.
men jag TROR INTE JAG LÄST DEN DU PRATAR OM!!! :D:D:D
OMG!
skicka :D:D:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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