June
Tuesday 5 August 2008 photo 8/25
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Tom was lying awake later that night in his hotel room. He hadnt even bothered getting undressed since he knew he wouldnt be sleeping. They had all gotten separate hotel rooms that night. Management had even bought the entire floor so that the boys could walk around freely without anyone bothering them.
Tom had tried every trick in the book to get himself to fall asleep, but none of them worked. He knew what would really ease his mind; going to Bill. He would go to him in a heartbeat if he knew he wouldnt get rejected. Bill had made it very clear earlier that he was not interested in talking. He didnt seem interested in much of anything.
Maybe it was really over. Tom sighed, his heart heavy with ache. Everything on his body hurt, the kind that came from weeks of stress. It was for the best, Tom decided. Eventually hed get over it, the Bill thing. Eventually things might return to normal again.
But Tom didnt want things to return to normal. He could never really look at Bill again without feeling what its like to be inside him.
He sat up and swung his legs off the bed. It was only half past midnight, and he knew Bill would still be awake.
This time, Tom was going to go to Bill.
Tom let himself out of his room and looked around the corridor. There was no one there. He quietly walked across the hall to the room he knew to be Bills, and knocked.
After a moment, he heard Bills hoarse voice, "Who is it?"
"Its me."
"Oh."
The lock clicked a few times, and then the heavy door was pulled open. Tom found himself face to face with his brother.
"What?" Bill asked.
"Let me in," Tom said softly.
Bill narrowed his eyes, confused. "Okay."
Tom followed Bill inside the small hotel room. There were two beds, both were unmade. Bills clothes were spilling out of his suitcase, and there were accessories everywhere. An old room service tray littered the table top.
"Howd you trash the room so fast?" Tom asked.
Bill shrugged, sitting down on one of the beds. "What do you want?"
"You," Tom said quietly. "I came for you."
"Yeah," Bill said, letting out a clipped laugh. "I bet."
"I mean it."
"Well." Bill pulled his legs onto the bed and crossed them. "I dont know if I want you anymore."
"I know you dont mean that."
"Please, Tom. I’m not one of your fucking groupies," Bill said, rolling his eyes and then glaring at Tom.
"I know. If you were youd be out of my life."
"So what are you saying?" Bill shook his head. "Thats really nice, Tomi."
"Dont be an asshole," Tom said softly. He was starting to get annoyed.
"Yeah, Im the one being an asshole. I didnt barge into your room while you were trying to sleep."
"You werent trying to sleep." Tom folded his arms and pointed with his index finger. "Youve still got your makeup on."
"I was about to," Bill said, making a face. "Whatever. Are you done?"
"No. I’m not done and Im never going to be done."
Bill sighed. "½I dont get you. I dont need this. I dont need you."
"Then I dont need you," Tom replied.
Bill looked up, and Tom saw panic flash in his eyes.
"Really," Tom went on, stepping closer to Bill. "I dont need you."
Bill stood up, towering over Tom by a couple inches. "I guess thats it, then."
Tom stood up straight, and they were eye to eye. The tension between them was tangibly electric. For a few moments they watched each other, waiting for the other to make a next move.
Finally, Tom let out a long breath. "Im tired. Ive been so tired for so long, and it’s all because of you. I dont know what Im doing anymore, Ive never felt so fucking out of control. Why the fuck are you doing this to me?"
"Im not doing anything," Bill replied. "Youre the one who kissed me."
"And Id kiss you again," Tom said loudly. "But youre being such a fucking prick about it all."
"It all? Whats ''it all? Youre my brother, Tom. My twin brother. These are our lives. This whole thing is fucked up," said Bill, balling his fists tightly. "Our lives are fucked up."
"Youve been coming on to me," Tom said through gritted teeth.
Bill laughed loudly. "You started it."
"Bill," Tom said desperately. "What the fuck was I supposed to do? This was the last thing in the entire world that I would have ever wanted for myself. It still is. But now, its also the thing I want most. Hows that?"
Bill pressed his lips in a thin line and shrugged a little.
"I never wanted this," Tom went on. "I never wanted this to happen. If you did, then Im sorry - thats fucked up."
"I didnt."
"Good," Tom said. "But now?"
"I do."
"Yeah." Tom shook his head and sighed loudly.
"Tom."
Looking up, Tom saw Bill, really saw him. He looked very small and it made Toms heart hurt. "What?"
Bill closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them. He took a deep breath. "You dont have to say anything. Just… I need to know. Do you love me?"
"Of course, you know I do."
"Okay. But… are you in love with me?"
Very slowly and slightly, looking bothered and averting eye contact, Tom nodded.
Bill shivered. "I thought that would make me happy. I thought that was what I wanted to hear."
"What?" Tom said.
"Itsjust sad," Bill said quietly. "Dont you think its sad?"
Tom sat down on the bed and put his forehead in his hands. The room had started to spin and he felt dizzy.
"Nothing can ever come of this," Bill went on, sounding very tired. "We could live hundreds of more years together and no one would get it. Theres no place for us."
"I know."
"I want to be with you so fucking bad that it hurts, like I cant breathe." Bill sat down by Tom. "Its this panicked feeling."
Tom smoothed a hand down Bills thigh and rested it on his knee. Bill leaned in and nuzzled his nose into Toms shoulder, closing his eyes against the shirt fabric and breathing in the scent.
"Someday Ill probably get married, maybe," Tom said suddenly.
"I dont want you to."
Tom let out a soft laugh. "I dont want you to want me to."
"Any time you arent around me I feel so fucking alone," Bill said. "You could probably be with other people - and you have. But I dont think theres anyone else for me, Tomi."
Tom smiled at the old nickname. He bumped Bill in the shoulder. Bill responded by leaning his head on Tom again and sighing. They sat in silence for a few minutes.
"We cant do this forever," Tom murmured.
"Yeah." Bill lifted his head and exhaled. "What are you thinking?"
Tom moved away from his brother and looked at him for a some long moments. "I really want to kiss you. I think Ill always want to."
"You can. You always can because Ill always want you to."
"Then I will."
Their lips met gently and Tom placed a hand on the small of Bills back, pulling him close. A small noise escaped from Bill’s mouth and he settled into the kiss, turning his head and pressing his lips against Toms. There was no tension between them anymore, just understanding and a longing that would never go away.
Bill moved into Toms lap and wrapped his legs around his waist. He felt so light on top of Tom. Tom placed his hands on Bills hips and lifted them, pushing into the kiss. Bill put both of his hands on Toms jaw, and cradled his head. They moved with each other, bodies pressing intimately together.
Tom slid his hands up the back of Bills shirt and held onto his brothers bare back, kneading shoulder blades with his thumbs. Bill gasped and let his head fall back, exposing his neck. Tom latched his mouth onto the skin and swirled his tongue around, sucking in gently. He felt Bill squeeze his legs against him. Bill tipped his head back down and found Toms mouth. He licked at Toms lips and teased his tongue, inviting it inside his mouth but only just. Bill bit down gently on Toms tongue and Tom moaned.
"I love you," Bill sighed, pressing his body so close to Toms that it was getting hard to breathe. "I dont care that no one can ever know."
Tom replied by kissing Bill again, softly on the lips. He didnt care, either. The nights were theirs and nothing could change that. Tom rolled his hips up and caressed down Bills back. His lips trailed along Bills jaw, and then down his neck to his collarbone. Bill was almost purring with delight, and for once, he was completely still.
A couple of birds chirped outside. Pulling back, Tom let out a breath hed been holding. He looked at Bill and something overwhelming turned in his stomach. Morning was near, and theyd have to be apart again.
"Bill," Tom murmured.
Bills eyes opened. Hed heard the birds, too. "I know."
They joined hands and Tom stared at their entwined fingers. They fit together so well, they just fit.
"I wonder if it gets any easier," Tom said, letting go of Bills fingers.
"I dont think so." Bill moved off Toms lap and settled on the bed, resting his head on Toms thigh. "Just more familiar."
Tom nodded and found Bills hand again, squeezing.
Tom had tried every trick in the book to get himself to fall asleep, but none of them worked. He knew what would really ease his mind; going to Bill. He would go to him in a heartbeat if he knew he wouldnt get rejected. Bill had made it very clear earlier that he was not interested in talking. He didnt seem interested in much of anything.
Maybe it was really over. Tom sighed, his heart heavy with ache. Everything on his body hurt, the kind that came from weeks of stress. It was for the best, Tom decided. Eventually hed get over it, the Bill thing. Eventually things might return to normal again.
But Tom didnt want things to return to normal. He could never really look at Bill again without feeling what its like to be inside him.
He sat up and swung his legs off the bed. It was only half past midnight, and he knew Bill would still be awake.
This time, Tom was going to go to Bill.
After a moment, he heard Bills hoarse voice, "Who is it?"
"Its me."
"Oh."
The lock clicked a few times, and then the heavy door was pulled open. Tom found himself face to face with his brother.
"What?" Bill asked.
"Let me in," Tom said softly.
Bill narrowed his eyes, confused. "Okay."
Tom followed Bill inside the small hotel room. There were two beds, both were unmade. Bills clothes were spilling out of his suitcase, and there were accessories everywhere. An old room service tray littered the table top.
"Howd you trash the room so fast?" Tom asked.
Bill shrugged, sitting down on one of the beds. "What do you want?"
"You," Tom said quietly. "I came for you."
"Yeah," Bill said, letting out a clipped laugh. "I bet."
"I mean it."
"Well." Bill pulled his legs onto the bed and crossed them. "I dont know if I want you anymore."
"I know you dont mean that."
"Please, Tom. I’m not one of your fucking groupies," Bill said, rolling his eyes and then glaring at Tom.
"I know. If you were youd be out of my life."
"So what are you saying?" Bill shook his head. "Thats really nice, Tomi."
"Dont be an asshole," Tom said softly. He was starting to get annoyed.
"Yeah, Im the one being an asshole. I didnt barge into your room while you were trying to sleep."
"You werent trying to sleep." Tom folded his arms and pointed with his index finger. "Youve still got your makeup on."
"I was about to," Bill said, making a face. "Whatever. Are you done?"
"No. I’m not done and Im never going to be done."
Bill sighed. "½I dont get you. I dont need this. I dont need you."
"Then I dont need you," Tom replied.
Bill looked up, and Tom saw panic flash in his eyes.
"Really," Tom went on, stepping closer to Bill. "I dont need you."
Bill stood up, towering over Tom by a couple inches. "I guess thats it, then."
Tom stood up straight, and they were eye to eye. The tension between them was tangibly electric. For a few moments they watched each other, waiting for the other to make a next move.
Finally, Tom let out a long breath. "Im tired. Ive been so tired for so long, and it’s all because of you. I dont know what Im doing anymore, Ive never felt so fucking out of control. Why the fuck are you doing this to me?"
"Im not doing anything," Bill replied. "Youre the one who kissed me."
"And Id kiss you again," Tom said loudly. "But youre being such a fucking prick about it all."
"It all? Whats ''it all? Youre my brother, Tom. My twin brother. These are our lives. This whole thing is fucked up," said Bill, balling his fists tightly. "Our lives are fucked up."
"Youve been coming on to me," Tom said through gritted teeth.
Bill laughed loudly. "You started it."
"Bill," Tom said desperately. "What the fuck was I supposed to do? This was the last thing in the entire world that I would have ever wanted for myself. It still is. But now, its also the thing I want most. Hows that?"
Bill pressed his lips in a thin line and shrugged a little.
"I never wanted this," Tom went on. "I never wanted this to happen. If you did, then Im sorry - thats fucked up."
"I didnt."
"Good," Tom said. "But now?"
"I do."
"Yeah." Tom shook his head and sighed loudly.
"Tom."
Looking up, Tom saw Bill, really saw him. He looked very small and it made Toms heart hurt. "What?"
Bill closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them. He took a deep breath. "You dont have to say anything. Just… I need to know. Do you love me?"
"Of course, you know I do."
"Okay. But… are you in love with me?"
Very slowly and slightly, looking bothered and averting eye contact, Tom nodded.
Bill shivered. "I thought that would make me happy. I thought that was what I wanted to hear."
"What?" Tom said.
"Itsjust sad," Bill said quietly. "Dont you think its sad?"
Tom sat down on the bed and put his forehead in his hands. The room had started to spin and he felt dizzy.
"Nothing can ever come of this," Bill went on, sounding very tired. "We could live hundreds of more years together and no one would get it. Theres no place for us."
"I know."
"I want to be with you so fucking bad that it hurts, like I cant breathe." Bill sat down by Tom. "Its this panicked feeling."
Tom smoothed a hand down Bills thigh and rested it on his knee. Bill leaned in and nuzzled his nose into Toms shoulder, closing his eyes against the shirt fabric and breathing in the scent.
"Someday Ill probably get married, maybe," Tom said suddenly.
"I dont want you to."
Tom let out a soft laugh. "I dont want you to want me to."
"Any time you arent around me I feel so fucking alone," Bill said. "You could probably be with other people - and you have. But I dont think theres anyone else for me, Tomi."
Tom smiled at the old nickname. He bumped Bill in the shoulder. Bill responded by leaning his head on Tom again and sighing. They sat in silence for a few minutes.
"We cant do this forever," Tom murmured.
"Yeah." Bill lifted his head and exhaled. "What are you thinking?"
Tom moved away from his brother and looked at him for a some long moments. "I really want to kiss you. I think Ill always want to."
"You can. You always can because Ill always want you to."
"Then I will."
Their lips met gently and Tom placed a hand on the small of Bills back, pulling him close. A small noise escaped from Bill’s mouth and he settled into the kiss, turning his head and pressing his lips against Toms. There was no tension between them anymore, just understanding and a longing that would never go away.
Bill moved into Toms lap and wrapped his legs around his waist. He felt so light on top of Tom. Tom placed his hands on Bills hips and lifted them, pushing into the kiss. Bill put both of his hands on Toms jaw, and cradled his head. They moved with each other, bodies pressing intimately together.
Tom slid his hands up the back of Bills shirt and held onto his brothers bare back, kneading shoulder blades with his thumbs. Bill gasped and let his head fall back, exposing his neck. Tom latched his mouth onto the skin and swirled his tongue around, sucking in gently. He felt Bill squeeze his legs against him. Bill tipped his head back down and found Toms mouth. He licked at Toms lips and teased his tongue, inviting it inside his mouth but only just. Bill bit down gently on Toms tongue and Tom moaned.
"I love you," Bill sighed, pressing his body so close to Toms that it was getting hard to breathe. "I dont care that no one can ever know."
Tom replied by kissing Bill again, softly on the lips. He didnt care, either. The nights were theirs and nothing could change that. Tom rolled his hips up and caressed down Bills back. His lips trailed along Bills jaw, and then down his neck to his collarbone. Bill was almost purring with delight, and for once, he was completely still.
A couple of birds chirped outside. Pulling back, Tom let out a breath hed been holding. He looked at Bill and something overwhelming turned in his stomach. Morning was near, and theyd have to be apart again.
"Bill," Tom murmured.
Bills eyes opened. Hed heard the birds, too. "I know."
They joined hands and Tom stared at their entwined fingers. They fit together so well, they just fit.
"I wonder if it gets any easier," Tom said, letting go of Bills fingers.
"I dont think so." Bill moved off Toms lap and settled on the bed, resting his head on Toms thigh. "Just more familiar."
Tom nodded and found Bills hand again, squeezing.
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