December
January 2008
"Weighing in at #10 is our good friend, Dani. Yeah, yeah, we all know Cradle of Filth isnt black metal -- they're more a retarded version of Marilyn Manson aimed at really sexually frustrated teenage
Look everyone; its Rob Darken, the black metal Mongolian warlord with fuck-me pirate boots! Jesus... Genghis Horgh, man. Nobody LARPs quite like Rob, and I mean nobody. Hes probably got enough LARP
"Man, Horgh is just flat out tubby; theres no two ways about it. That gut-guard is about to burst, and when it does, watch out for a lethal barrage of flying metal studs. You cant see it in the pict
"Wow! Look at these fucking guys! This might not be the most ridiculous, but it sure is the most misleading. And by "misleading," I mean super-duper uber gay! I just have so many questions. When did G
Ive never seen anyone in the black metal world make as many fucking annoying faces as Galder. Whether its on or off the stage, he is perpetually making a fool of himself by grinning, snarling, pursi
"Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! Vrangsinn got back! If youve seen these guys live, youd know they are totally tongue-in-cheek, (Vrangsinn saunters around the stage in a pair of black speedos) but
"Maniac slides into #4 for two obvious reasons: (1) His new pseudo-mullet hairdo is anything but metal; he looks older than my fucking dad. (2) That Shredder-style, spiked armguard with a pigs head i
"These guys cant be older than 15. Only one of them has sufficiently long hair and unfortunately for him, he looks like a fucking rodeo clown. Listen kids, to do this right youve got to cut back on
"Wait a minute, since when was it cool to have a fucking gimp in your band!? A BLACK METAL GIMP!! Not only that, but a gimp with homemade armbands that would make Frost jealous. Hes even got a chain
"Rock out with your cock out!! Really, why say anything else? This photo encapsulates the best of what black metal has given us over the years. The poor guys cock n balls ripped through his pants, y
Just when you thought the black metal pics couldn't get more ridiculous, Abbath unzipps his fucking pants! Holy Mother of God this is horrible! Apparently he did the entire photo shoot with his fuckin
IT (Abruptum/Ophthalamia) in one of his Via Dolorosa-era photos cleans up in the #10 slot. Does Sweden have Indians? He looks like a fuckin' black metal Comanche! Or better yet, John Rambo. After all,
Fenriz (Darkthrone) is probably the most dramatic of all black metal-ers. In almost every choreographed photo, he's either kneeling in the woods, got his arms outstretched, or is looking into the sky,
Wait, are those suspenders? Oh, fuck, you gotta be kidding me. And he's got his hair in a ponytail. Not only that, but I beleive he's carrying a scyth. He's a fucking black metal farmer! Jesus Christ
Damn right these guys look old. They're all fucking bald! Did Crowbar turn into a black metal band when I wasn't looking? Apparently baldness has found a niche in the black metal scene. It's ok to be
Don't get me wrong, Dark Funeral is the shit. But this photo is not. Actually, I should say they were the shit until David Parland took off. Anyway, Lord Ahriman is fucking fat. Notice his belly hangi
The bald guy makes this picture #5, hands down. This is some serioulsy shoddy corpse-paint on everybody, especially for a photo shoot. Look at the bald guy. Just look at him! Is that supposed to be in
Dani from Cradle of Filth comes in 4th only because he is so incredibly gay. First of all, there is no black metal band that has sold out quite like Cradle of Filth. Secondly, there is no other black
What exactly is going on here? Is this the new WWF tag-team? Demonaz looks like he's ready to swan-dive off the turnbuckle. And what is that leather guard holding his gut in? He's been drinking too mu
Immortal take the number two spot with this pic, and for good reason. LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING SHIN GUARDS! Since when did Satan have his own ice hockey team? Horgh wins #2 for the evil goalie look. But
This is the most ridiculous black metal pic for three reasons. One, the stuffed eagle. C'mon guys, you're not fooling anyone. Two, Nocturno Culto, who is notorious for taking tacky black metal pics. A
Gaah!
Jagvilljagvilljagvill! ^^
Gah nr. 2
ge mig.
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