Random Picture -- American jokes and humor -- http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8735889757702013026&hl=en "You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school." "Really?" the kid said. "Well when he was your age, he was president." Why is an astronaut like an American footballer? They both like to make safe touch-downs. Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!" A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed." I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west! These four guys were walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?" The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?" The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?" "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" You know you're a redneck if: Your Truck has curtains, but your house doesn't. Your porch collapses, and it kills more than seven dogs. Every car you've ever owned is in your backyard. You know you're in a small town when ... ... You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway. ... You are run off Main Street by a combine. ... You can't walk for exercise every car that passes offers you a ride. ... You don't use your turn signal because everyone knows where you are going. ... You get married and the local newspaper devotes a quarter page to the story. ... You drive into a ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back to town before you do. ... The biggest business in town sells farm machinery. ... You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. ... The pickups on Main Street outnumber the cars 3 to 1. ... You miss a Sunday at church and receive getwell cards. ... Someone asks you how you are, and actually wants to know.

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September 2009